Reasons Hells is a Single Barren Spinster

Published November 25, 2024 by helentastic67

Reason Hells is a Single Barron Spinster

I’ll tell you one good thing, no wait, two good things about why Helen not children having is a good thing.

One, I’m still alive. I have been of an understanding since my AVM diagnosis when I was 34, I’ve learnt many things. Such as, Ladies, when we are pregnant our bodies blood volume doubles. Ok, google tells me it’s somewhere between 20%-45%. If I’d gotten pregnant, I could have had a stroke and been in a coma until I came to full term. Had the baby by C-Section, then what? Interesting, I’ve seen this exact storyline (minus the AVM) on medical dramas.

If it doesn’t scream at you, the Universe really looked after me by sending me ONLY SHIT BOYFRIENDS. I don’t know what else does. I’m still here.

And the other good reason? Well, I’m not going to hand down any shit family trauma or baggage to children. To the whole universe of people, You’re welcome.

Baby Shower and the Job of the Weird Aunt

Published March 4, 2024 by helentastic67

Baby Shower and the Job of the Weird Aunt Present

Went to a baby toy shop today. I know, didn’t think you would ever read about this in hellonwheels did you? Didn’t think I would write about it either. I’m 51 years old, a single barren spinster. Not all of these things by choice but here we are. Just in case you are new here.

I’ve never been invited to a baby shower before now, so it’s nice to be included, my younger cousin is due in March and I’ve been included so its lovely. So, alas, I visited a cute baby toy shop in Carlton today. My girl Wednesday (25) is into dinosaurs and found the six dinosaurs in moments, but I spotted to fake tattoo’s. I win that one, I think. A previous Girl-Friday had recommended the shop as her friend owns it. I’d seen it over the years but never had a reason to go. Until now.

The first step inside, a young child in a pusher blocked the way, said child having been strategically placed there to watch the turtle in the tank. I mean it. Its name was Guppy. I asked.

My ovaries hurt, I mean the toys, all the cuter teddies, soft toys I’ve seen young children with when out and about. Now I know where they come from. What? My ovaries still mourn not having babies, but then I hear a young baby scream in a supermarket because they have discovered how loud they can be and how much attention they can get from strangers in public and my ovaries dry right up again.

I’ve been saying for some years when asked if I would have a baby, I refer to my abdomen in general with a sweeping motion and state, “She’s suffered enough!” Let alone that I’m on the edge of the Pause so that’s not an incentive to throw caution to the wind and smash one out to Complete Me.

It’s still a case of, meet the right guy, have enough time to get to know if they are mentally unhinged or not, then have enough time just being “Us”. Then the baby stuff. And I’ve failed to mention before now, the diagnosis I received during the Covid crazy days of I’ve got Endometriosis. So, would I likely struggle to get pregnant even if I was trying too? Don’t answer that. She’s still suffered enough.

So, I bought a few very cute things today, and I even got a 1st birthday gift because I couldn’t leave it behind. It’s also going to be for grandad, my uncle to put together because it’s one of those see but don’t touch gifts. What? If you have been in one of those places, you will understand.

I’m hoping to sharpen my skills as the weird Aunty Helen. Why is she always pinching my cheeks and talking about the war?

Just an FYI, officially this baby will be my second cousin. Of which I have even some third cousins, but they have grown up and live interstate to me. So, here we are Weird Aunt ready for duty.

Hot off the Press – 22nd May 2023

Published May 22, 2023 by helentastic67

Hot off the Press

OK, I guess another Hot Off the Press is required and today it comes as a form of confession. Not that I thought I was invincible for having avoided catching the Plague. You should be familiar with my term for Covid 19? Yes, that’s the one. Or my predilection for referring to the RAT as a Pregnancy test, by that it looks a lot like an actual Pregnancy Test. Again, not that I’ve ever done one of those.

Alas, I almost made it to May 10, 2023, so close. Alas, I tested “Pregnant!” on a Wednesday morning and we had to cancel rather a few appointments. Including reluctantly my early chiropractor’s appointment. To my further annoyance because it felt like every rib was not where they should be. But, alas, I couldn’t live with myself should I pass it onto anybody else let alone someone more at risk than myself.

I have had all five vaccines for the Plague and every single one came with issues to book, be eligible, get transport to and from and originally to have access to the appropriate vaccine my GP had insisted I have and only that particular vaccine. Originally it was only the Astra Zenica (or the AZ!) I was told from day dot to only get the Pffizer. (Or a Fizzer! As I called it) I was too YOUNG to qualify originally.

Overall, my experience of the actual Plague, I’m not really complaining. Remember in the early days of Covid? Yeah, lots of those people are not here to tell the tale. So, my mild cold-like-symptoms, I was fine. I hunkered down and settled into isolation. Took more juice and echinacea than I’ve had for a while but after the initial cancelling of all my appointments, only one carer chose not to risk coming. I had two days that week without carers. One of my two agencies could not cover a shift and then the Friday, same issue and my Girl Friday couldn’t risk it. I didn’t panic and test every day like many people like to do. The mandates at the time were to isolate five days. My next appointment was the following Tuesday and thankfully I tested negative and I was able to get to podiatry. Thankful as I had toenails like dragon claws. My podiatrist sees far worse, but I have my own standards. I also would have been fine to stay at home a few more days.

I’ve been dealing with a very annoying wheeze and that’s it. Plenty of Ventolin and my chiropractor giving my lungs a good pounding last Wednesday. I’ve been doing nothing but catch up ever since.

Remember those early days of the vaccine when people were being encouraged to get out and catch COVID’s? Don’t know about elsewhere but the media had it obvious they were to encourage everyone to go out and get it. And if they hadn’t had it, they needed to get out there and get amongst it. Ok, the younger people were being told/shamed for not getting out and being sociable. I guess the government was after Herd Immunity and then on the other hand, I had a new carer last week that had had the Plague 7 times! 7! That’s 6 times too many, right?

You may ask how I got the Plague? I think it was the last comedy show I was at. It was the Daniel Sloss gig at a Convention Centre where I was among 5,500 people. My friend didn’t get it. No idea how. He was sitting right beside me and drove us there and home again. I am just happy he didn’t get it. I have my last comedy show this week, the Melbourne International Comedy show has finished but I’ll tell you about my last comedy event in next week’s post to be sure.