Life one Handed

All posts tagged Life one Handed

Worst Sleeping Pattern Ever

Published July 17, 2023 by helentastic67

Worst Sleeping Pattern Ever

Anyone else have a terrible sleeping pattern? No! Just me then? Regular conversations with friends:

Me: I got to bed early last night! (My point already is it didn’t help…….)

Friend:  What time?

Me: Before 1am! (I was still awake at 3)

Friend: That is early for you!

I’ve said for years “You can take Helen out of the Clubs! You can’t take the Clubs out of Helen!”



Fun Exercise

Published July 9, 2023 by helentastic67

Fun Exercise

In recent years my once family proud handwriting has gone to shit! (As diplomatically as possible) I know, I can’t understate how terrible my handwriting has become illegible. Even hieroglyphic. Is that a word?

I mean, I write it and even I can’t read it. It might be when I swear the most in the week and that could be saying something.

Who wants to play?

Here is a portion of my shopping list. Take it as a challenge to decipher my handwriting? I feel I should tell you now, for my own amusement, I call my shopping list “Shop Lust!” Because it amuses me to do so and on the top left corner are the grocery items I require.

It goes as follows…
Lasagna sheets
Vanilla Essence
Marmalade
Betty Crocker
***************

Honestly. WTF is that? My carer states “You really wanted them; it’s got several exclamation marks after it!” when this happens, we play it by ear and as we do the aisles getting me some steps in my never-ending battle to get some tiny amount to compete with my blog administrator Noelle.

8pm Friday night……
Me: How many did you get? I did 3,000.
Noelle: 27,000 so far!
Me: how many can I have?
Noelle: 5,000
We both know this is not how it works but it certainly amuses me to ask.

Doing the aisles I reach for the items I remember I need just by going down the aisles. It’s my carers job to check the list as we go to make sure we haven’t missed anything. The ********** remains. We give up as it doesn’t jolt my memory. We head home. Unpack.

My carer departs, the tasks are completed. I’m pulling towels from the clothes dryers hours later and I let out a swear word. The one ending in “Me!”

I get my phone and text my carer those exact words followed by, “sultanas!” At least I worked it out, it would have driven me crazy until I remembered.

How to improve my penmanship? Well, I’ve given up handwriting my blog posts and now I smash them out on my iPad. Not as cathartic but avoiding the issue.

And hit Like and leave a comment.

Living with Migraines

Published July 3, 2023 by helentastic67

Living with Migraines

Sometimes, I will arrive at an appointment and announce when asked how I am that “I’ve had a migraine”. Because generally I’m a walking/talking migraine most days but, occasionally I get lucky and I can’t do adulting. No phone, no TV, no sitting on the couch even. Instead, I’m in bed before 10pm, somewhat high on Tramadol. Not “High” enough but it’s hopefully going to help me get to sleep so I can sleep it off and the following day maybe it’s gone.

Anyway, this happened Tuesday, my first appointment out of my home and what answer do you think I got? No, all of those options did not happen. Instead, I was greeted with “Its going around everyone’s got it. Migraine! I had a migraine last night!” Um, I don’t know about anyone else who has ever had a migraine but, NOT CONTAGIOUS!

If I could have been out with my worst migraine to date, I’ve yet to write about when I was 23 and barely responsive and could have shared the wealth on that one to ease the load. I would have shared it. I’m not exaggerating when I say I WANTED TO DIE!

So, to say the least, not helpful when people say the above when you are hungover from a migraine. Even though it didn’t wipe me out completely, I was still hungover mid-week. Do people understand why I was never a drinker?

To be continued………

Rules for Life

Published June 26, 2023 by helentastic67

Rules for Life

Sometimes, I might have some simple wise words to share on how to be a decent human being. Today, I feel could be one of those days.

It’s a friend’s birthday.

Rule 1. Wish them a Happy Birthday.
Rule 2. (Almost as important as Rule number 1 if not more so?) Do NOT choose that day to unload your personal baggage ON THAT PARTICULAR DAY! IT’S SO SIMPLE BUT, SOMETIMES PEOPLE NEED REMINDING, this day is not about you.

Please leave a comment if you have had this happen to you.

Hit Like.

It Is What It Is

Published June 19, 2023 by helentastic67

It Is What It Is

These days I don’t wear make-up, I mean, what’s the point? In my twenties, when I worked in clubs, I wore make up day and night. My thirties, I let my skin breathe.

According to some mental health surveys, the fact I do not wear makeup is a sign of my depression. I don’t know how men feel about that. I don’t know any men these days that do wear makeup.

But mostly these days I look in the mirror at some point in my morning absolutions and decide it is what it is and not much will make it better.

My recent adventure to Drag Bingo I had teased my gay friend, if he was lucky, I would wear make-up. On the night I had the CBF’s. I just figured, why wear make up to sit in the dark with a room full of gay men? My friend said there was one straight guy there. Once there, I asked “where is this one straight guy?” Not like I was on the hunt, just curious, I was informed he didn’t actually know but THERE WAS ALWAYS THAT ONE STRAIGHT GUY. And let’s face it, there was more make up on stage on that one drag queen than the whole rest of the venue. Also, didn’t need to set the precedence that the next five nights of comedy festival I would feel any need to repeat the process.

For years now, if I’m high maintenance in a low maintenance way or a low maintenance in a high maintenance way kinda girl? I’m still undecided.

In my earlier days, my nighttime club routine was very basic. I say “Basic” because some people do not think some of these things necessary. Shower, you heard, necessary, definitely deodorant. I repeat! Necessary, I would moisturise, my face. Brush teeth, then ladies, moisturise again, then apply makeup.

My first club/make-up girlfriend advice line friend told me you emphasise your eyes or your lips not both. I’m terrible at eyes so I do lips. Apply lipstick, lipstick, loose powder and the actual lipstick. Blot. Powder then re-apply and repeat. You get that’s right and it stays on all night.

Now, moisturiser, after the shower, creams, deodorant and moisturiser and yes, brush teeth. Glance in mirror. WTF AND LEAVE.

I don’t know why I’m still single? I don’t think it’s because I don’t bother to wear makeup. At my father’s funeral, a friend asked if I was going to wear sunglasses? WHAT?

I presumed he meant some Big Fuck Off Gucci’s or such. I told him no and I would definitely not bother with makeup. He was way more Italian than I am and hangs with people way more Fuck Off Gucci’s than I am so I didn’t figure it mattered.

In the last ten-twenty years I have stepped up my high maintenance rituals though, after my radiation treatment I was on steroids for brain swelling so with that comes a whole gambit of WTF!

  1. You lose your thigh muscle to me. Those muscles specifically that help you get up.
  2. You put on weight! Check! That fucking happened.
  3. You get hairy, in the beard area! You heard me! The BEARD AREA!

So, for a while I looked like a fat, ugly hairy teenage boy. I had asked my specialist, when will the weight come off? I was informed It would just fall off. So, I’m still waiting for that miracle, sort of.


That was when I started prescribing to regular electrolysis’ appointments to defuzz my face.
One or two times I had so much fuzz on my neck under my, chin my beautician went to get the stick of wax from the waxing room. As she applied it, I asked if it would hurt? You know if you have to ask, it’s going to, right? She said those words you come to fear. “I cannot tell a lie!” “Sweet fucking Jesus!”  were my words.

You know when she gets the wax out for that part of your face it’s because it’s out of control. Better to start from fresh. The hairy bitch-ness calmed down eventually after some years being on and off the steroids but of course then the sliding into the Pause hairy bitch-ness began and I was back at it.

Was not fucking happy!

Hipsters

Published June 12, 2023 by helentastic67

Hipsters

In late 2022 I made a purchase of a useful household item. Not my first of its kind but this time, wanting it to last considerably longer than the previous version I had purchased, I doubled and somewhat I spent. A bin in my study, gradually getting out of control giving me license to go make the purchase from Officeworks. One of my favourite places to shop these days, but this purchase has meant I could stop considering taking or even asking places I go regularly if I could take some of this growing pile to my appointments. Didn’t ever but thought about asking.

When I made this purchase finally, my carer got it out of the box and we both “the 2 Helen’s!” sat around it like it was an outdoor fire on the cold winter night and shared the joy of feeding it with paper.

Have you worked it out yet?

I bought a paper shredder. Each different kind of paper or envelope raiding the question “Can it do this?” The answer was always YES IT CAN.

Just so you know, never have you had so much fun with your clothes on in your home or at the office. But alas, soon enough the pile of paperwork was gone. I have let the pile build again.

Today, I have revisited the pile in my study, dragging the shredder out from its home under the desk. Five minutes in I had not realised late 2022 I had bought a Hipster into my home. It does 5 minutes work then it’s too hot apparently and proceeds to take the next forty fucking minutes off. It’s like a Barista! Makes part of a coffee then checks its socials. FFS!

Friends That Know Me

Published June 4, 2023 by helentastic67

Friends That Know Me

You know it’s your friends who really know you and understand you. Last week, I had an extra adventure to a few shops to get different things. It was an extra few hours to catch up on things I never have enough time for and need. At the end of the day, I was calculating what I had spent where and was surprised how little I spent at Bunnings. (It’s Australia’s favourite hardware store!) even more popular during all the Covid crazy.

Tonight, I was on the phone to a friend and I said to him, “I went to Bunnings and only spent $9.00. What’s wrong with that?”

And without missing a beat, “You didn’t buy a plant?” I laughed so hard because he had hit the nail on the head.

These days I have to avoid the plants because I have NO MORE ROOM for plants, my balcony has plants around the edges, a rack that has multiple levels of plants cascading down over the edge and a tall curry plant. I also hang my washing out all year round and the few plants that are inside in the windows are watered carefully at the kitchen sink then returned the next day.

My apartment has west facing windows and a balcony. It means in summer the setting sun is brutal and in the colder months my home is rather dark so no more plants.

Also, all the orchids I had when I moved in, the indoor ones. They’re dead now. My next home when that happens (not anytime just yet) needs to have more space, indoor and out. Maybe something North-Facing? Just putting it out there. But not yet, I’ve only been here five and a half years. It’s the longest I’ve lived somewhere since I moved out at 19. My Mum did once call me a Gypsy, weird as I’m such a homebody.



Small Talk

Published May 29, 2023 by helentastic67

Small Talk

I confess to say, I live for small talk. I will take any opportunity, I don’t mind your race, religion, sexual orientation or if you’re a Junkie. Well, that last one was purely by accident and it’s generally worked out well for me. Until it doesn’t.

Last week I was in a neighbouring suburb at my weekly appointment when waiting outside a cafe for my medicine to arrive in my Keep Cup. Yeah, get one, they’re great.

While waiting I participated in some friendly chatting with an elderly man sitting waiting for his medicine. My brand-new carer I had met just that morning arrived to stand beside me and another older woman joined the man at the table. He told her he had already ordered and I took the opportunity to whisper to my carer that I presumed the other woman was also a carer. I gave my evidence for why I had come to that conclusion and she agreed. The shirt she was wearing screamed she worked for the council and she wore a lanyard. She in question had her head in her phone. Case in point.

Anyway, the conversation with the elderly man I don’t know, how he went to a previous Australian Prime Minister before my time and he was very grumpy that, that Prime Minister had done three particularly terrible things that had not been to his liking. I attempted to appease him, not particularly needing to get into a debate about politics by suggesting all politicians don’t please everyone. Let’s just hope they do more good than harm. But he wasn’t done and I have no idea how this next happened, but he mentioned Hitler. Like WTF just happened?

I mentioned this to my chiropractor who I see in this area weekly, her hand reached towards me asking “are you ok?” I explained I was but just didn’t know how I’d gotten myself into this conversation without seeing it coming.

So, how did I extract myself from this man’s company I hear you ask? I first thought I should explain to him we should both be able to agree that HITLER was EVIL! (Note: not a question?) But he was not done!  FFS!

He informed me Hitler had only received 40% of the vote. He had just managed to get people to follow him and do as he wanted. I guess he was saying Hitler had charisma. But he was not done. But I was. I turned to my carer and I asked her to check on my coffee. They had left it waiting for me inside.

OK, have a nice day and I got the fuck away from him.

Never again.

Hot off the Press – 22nd May 2023

Published May 22, 2023 by helentastic67

Hot off the Press

OK, I guess another Hot Off the Press is required and today it comes as a form of confession. Not that I thought I was invincible for having avoided catching the Plague. You should be familiar with my term for Covid 19? Yes, that’s the one. Or my predilection for referring to the RAT as a Pregnancy test, by that it looks a lot like an actual Pregnancy Test. Again, not that I’ve ever done one of those.

Alas, I almost made it to May 10, 2023, so close. Alas, I tested “Pregnant!” on a Wednesday morning and we had to cancel rather a few appointments. Including reluctantly my early chiropractor’s appointment. To my further annoyance because it felt like every rib was not where they should be. But, alas, I couldn’t live with myself should I pass it onto anybody else let alone someone more at risk than myself.

I have had all five vaccines for the Plague and every single one came with issues to book, be eligible, get transport to and from and originally to have access to the appropriate vaccine my GP had insisted I have and only that particular vaccine. Originally it was only the Astra Zenica (or the AZ!) I was told from day dot to only get the Pffizer. (Or a Fizzer! As I called it) I was too YOUNG to qualify originally.

Overall, my experience of the actual Plague, I’m not really complaining. Remember in the early days of Covid? Yeah, lots of those people are not here to tell the tale. So, my mild cold-like-symptoms, I was fine. I hunkered down and settled into isolation. Took more juice and echinacea than I’ve had for a while but after the initial cancelling of all my appointments, only one carer chose not to risk coming. I had two days that week without carers. One of my two agencies could not cover a shift and then the Friday, same issue and my Girl Friday couldn’t risk it. I didn’t panic and test every day like many people like to do. The mandates at the time were to isolate five days. My next appointment was the following Tuesday and thankfully I tested negative and I was able to get to podiatry. Thankful as I had toenails like dragon claws. My podiatrist sees far worse, but I have my own standards. I also would have been fine to stay at home a few more days.

I’ve been dealing with a very annoying wheeze and that’s it. Plenty of Ventolin and my chiropractor giving my lungs a good pounding last Wednesday. I’ve been doing nothing but catch up ever since.

Remember those early days of the vaccine when people were being encouraged to get out and catch COVID’s? Don’t know about elsewhere but the media had it obvious they were to encourage everyone to go out and get it. And if they hadn’t had it, they needed to get out there and get amongst it. Ok, the younger people were being told/shamed for not getting out and being sociable. I guess the government was after Herd Immunity and then on the other hand, I had a new carer last week that had had the Plague 7 times! 7! That’s 6 times too many, right?

You may ask how I got the Plague? I think it was the last comedy show I was at. It was the Daniel Sloss gig at a Convention Centre where I was among 5,500 people. My friend didn’t get it. No idea how. He was sitting right beside me and drove us there and home again. I am just happy he didn’t get it. I have my last comedy show this week, the Melbourne International Comedy show has finished but I’ll tell you about my last comedy event in next week’s post to be sure.