The Absence of Light

Published September 21, 2025 by helentastic67

I confess, toward the end of winter I did a little retail therapy at a merino wool sample sale. I bought this fantastic black jacket that is a bit more original Helen. A term I use to refer to me before my disability. If weather permits, I would live in black. It’s my favourite colour despite black not actually being a colour officially. It’s an absence of light. I’ll give you a moment to ponder this.

I have a good wardrobe of woollens these days as I can’t always put a jacket over warmer items and a full jumper just hikes up in all the wrong places. Or I can’t put my arms down as I resemble a penguin?

If in Melbourne, dress in layers. Can not give better advice.

I think it’s every five to eight years I add to my winter wardrobe, so I have more options but I’m already going to miss that jacket.

Melbourne Summer

Published January 15, 2024 by helentastic67

Melbourne Summer

Don’t know if I’ve mentioned recently, HellOnWheels don’t do hot weather. Summer in Melbourne over Christmas often means storms and even rain. But this year it included a level of humidity nobody has been excited about.

I am generally out all day on Fridays with my carer Girl-Friday, doing all my Hunter-Gathering and solving the problems I have not managed to solve solo. However, this Friday, it was 34 degrees. That’s not even in the shade. Even on stupid-humid days I can make a joke.

We stopped briefly at Officeworks today and as we pulled into the car park I commentated and suggested Park in the shade. She suggested she thought that would be impossible, I was surprised she even bothered to answer.

I still managed a lazy 3,700 steps in this heat, although another friend informed me, she’d also had a lazy day, just 23,500 something, her son is in a wheelchair and I suggested I might need to start asking and competing with him. He has also completed some laps up and back in the hallway with his walker. And they don’t have Air con. Doesn’t seem sporting of me to try to compete with him. Not because he’s in a chair but because he has no AC.

Migraine Helen

Published April 10, 2023 by helentastic67

Migraine Helen

If this post could have a longer title, it would be “How to get a migraine in one easy step!” What’s that? I imagined I could sneak a little fun social catch up into my boring life without consequences.

Anyone with disabilities will tell you, they will try every now and again to put something fun into their life to break the monotony. But while its great at the time it always comes with a cost. I’ve been trying to get to something in the inner West for about six months. A friend goes to something every Wednesday and I’d booked my Friday carer to go with me, her plans changed and another carer was able to assist me. I’d arranged my local artist friend Larissa MacFarlane to join us. She’s the friend from the radio interview I did from a few weeks ago. You can catch that interview again here if you missed it.

Lara was also the driving force behind the advisability Murals “Disability Pride!” Already, I digress, the event I hear you ask? Drag Bingo. The venue required me to get up and down a flight of stairs. I haven’t been to a Drag show for twenty years, back at the (the greyhound) But Drag and Bingo? You will never hear the word “Bitch!” Repeated so appropriately in the same night. Zena Ghost was her name; you can see her on Instagram. She had three costume changes throughout the night. The last one she had worn to the recent Melbourne Grand Prix, she had mentioned three Drag Queens had been employed for the event, they were told to dress “Conservatively” I don’t think she hadn’t? She finished the set with Rihanna’s “Shut Up & Drive!”

If you want to read more on the Melbourne Grand Prix other than my experience while working in a big shed in Richmond twenty years ago, hearing the cars practice the weeks leading up to the race, hearing the news helicopters overhead and living in Prahran, close by in the ‘90’s. I’m just saying. Noisy and Loud! So, happy living Northside during footy and Grand Prix season, check out William’s blog. He knows what he’s talking about. http://www.williamsperfectride.com

But, I digress again. Here’s how Hell gets a migraine? Sitting this close to the stage. It’s too close. With the lights and the loud, the 360’s sensory overload. It’s too much.

Oh, yeah, and all the audience participation. The Pronouns being thrown about just needing to be included. Calm down? I get it’s a safe space for the LGBTQI+ community but when the Drag queen found a badge of a footy player, she looked towards the table of Hetro Admin chicks to see if there were any takers. Sorry if you are into AFL or Rugby, however in Australia the players of these sports have not had the best behaviour in public or otherwise and have rightly been publicly shamed for posting poor social behaviour on social media. Female comedians have made jokes that if straight women stop having sex with them, we could breed them out. Because apparently bogan sport’s men breed bogan sports people. Sorry, you all know it’s just the men, elite sports women don’t do stupid things in bathroom urinating and catching it on smart phones to later posting on social media. Smartphone, it’s an oxymoron, isn’t it?

So, Thursday, the day after Drag Bingo, Migraine Helen, it hurts! Feel awful, I normally describe myself as having a migraine every day that ends in “Y” but they are the Walking/Talking kind of migraine where I can still manage a semblance of adulting. But occasionally I need to reassess my day and greet my carer with a succinct “You need to listen to me. You need to hear and understand!” Because the first mission is for us to get out and get a Jab of Tramadol in my arse, then it’s back home to bed before it knocks me out. So, any goals that needed achieving had to be communicated effectively before I’m out. Thursday being the day before Good Friday means my shopping and any Hunter/Gathering must get done as Good Friday is a public holiday. My regular Girl Friday who is often out doing my shopping on autopilot was not my Girl Thursday so I’d had to tell my carer which milk to get and which kitty litter, etc.

I knew I’d be spending my Easter weekend alone on my couch watching TV, eating good food and chocolate. I just hadn’t expected I’d be doing it hung over from a Migraine and I don’t even drink! I do not know how people that drink do it.

A regular prize in bingo was a shot of “Wet Pussy” (A short glass of some sort of potent Peach drink), the woman at our table that won it several times but donated it to someone else because she didn’t drink. Drag Bingo is definitely a drinking game.

Highly recommended if you wanna see an impersonation of a Britney Spears-era 15 year old teenage girl dancing in her bedroom like no one is watching. Not a negative. Then Drag Bingo is for you.

Meanwhile, it’s Easter Sunday morning 4am and I can’t sleep. Hence, I’m writing this.

Meanwhile, Melbourne is also in the 40th year of the Melbourne International comedy festival and I went all out and have five tickets this year. (I’m doing hard Mass and it’s not been running 40 years, but it started in 1987. Can you do the sums? Please.

My first comedy show is tomorrow night as in Tuesday. So far so good. The next is Saturday night and the people that I got tickets to go with me have already pulled out so I’m trying to find two others to go with me and make sure I get home in one piece.

Hope everyone survived Easter.
And hit Like!

Busy

Published October 18, 2021 by helentastic67

Busy

I have never known how to not be busy. I’ve always been busy. When I was 16 years old (yes! back when there were dinosaurs!). In the 1980’s, I was a full-time high school student, I worked part time as a checkout chick. I was doing hours of art folio preparation to get into college, I was a live-in babysitter to baby sister and I definitely didn’t have time for a social life or boyfriend. I did the household ironing and more than my share of the housework.

All while planning to be a poor art student, didn’t do a 4,000-word assignment until my first year of tertiary. I was still living at home then and it was all hand written. No computers, so many drafts, then only the battle of whiteout back then. You kids don’t know how good you have it.

So, it shouldn’t be a surprise that when I moved to Melbourne to be a poor art student when I was nineteen, that while being a full-time student, I transferred my supermarket job so I was working part time and being 100% responsible for my shopping and cooking. I introduced a little social outing in the form of going to clubs. I met one woman at college that went to a big commercial club very close to me. In simple terms, it was a very big wog club that was like a meat market. Huge dance floor in the middle of the room, upstairs, you spent much time going for a walk around the perimeter with a friend. As you travelled around a line forward and you just kept to the left. To your right was a line of people going the other way. As people passed on your right A guy’s face would loom into you to go for a kiss. Brushing them aside, all of a sudden, they would be pulled away by their girlfriend who had them by the hand and asking why they seemed to be holding them up. This is not why I stopped going to this kind if club.

The first few years I studied in Melbourne (two years actually) and I would go home long weekends and maybe a week of term break.

At Christmas, I’d transfer my supermarket job back to the country and also pick up seasonal work in the farm of blueberry packing. The last season I did some picking too, but while very stressful, packing paid better.

But to take a break from study and be at home in the country over Christmas meant I was literally working from 6am until 9pm with only a few hours off in the middle. Not even after college, I picked up some work in retail and clubs, which I literally set the hours according to what I considered it required to ‘get the job done’. So, my weeks, day and night were full.

I guess I’m saying life before my disability was always hectic, maybe why little symptoms I could later contribute to my AVM diagnosis went unchecked. So busy, my life has always been busy and I’m sure it’s not the last time I will cover this topic, or topics.

Special Edition

Published August 23, 2021 by helentastic67

Special Edition

When Melbourne came out of Lockdown for the blink of an eye.

Today is a very special edition of HellOnWheels bought to you by the letters C & not for the obvious reason.

Today was the first day Melbourne was coming out of the harshest lock-down reported in the world. Today was the return of cafes being open and being able to dine in. During lockdown my Girl Wednesday/Friday and I have been doing Car Cafe sitting out the front of, wait for it. Introducing https://www.cavallini.com.au/

Finally, I’m telling you all where I go to eat and caffeine. Also, I write and where even during lock-down I would walk in and be greeted with a “Hi Helen. How are you?”

It’s even more special today, because, anyone want to see Bruce Willis with actual HAIR? You’re welcome!

Now, today’s special offering. I previously just called this the salted caramel, chocolate, chocolate thingy thing, but it’s actually called a Maltalbarno. This week I would arrange several coffee dates here with friends so I can share a slice of this over coffee to help me celebrate and to share the calories. Calorie’s shared is calories halved right?

I wish I could say I’ve been laying low during CoVid lockdown however; you can leave the house for several reasons. Number 1, Medical appointments and I have had plenty. Including a Brain-Scrape (yes, Covid test) I passed. So, I could go have my first Colonoscopy.

Yeah, cos I’m “that” age and because my father had bowel cancer before 60. He survived. Not complaining. But it means, fifteen years before the age he was diagnosed I needed to start getting tested. Super! I was a bit overdue, but I’m good. I passed too. I’m good for another five years.

Just enough time to forget how disgusting the nasty prep drink is. No really. It’s hideous! I will do a post to share my great jokes I gave them before my procedure and the challenge I set myself after the procedure.

I hope you are all staying safe and getting tested for CoVid and well I guess bowel cancer too.

I will also add I’ve seen my father three times this year, I didn’t even see him at Christmas. It’s normally the only time I do get to see him. But I only got to see him because he had a heart attack. For Christ’s sake! He drove himself to hospital (in the country) because, I’m told it’s a “Wog-Thing”! Don’t worry, the nurse gave him a talking too and open heart surgery and three months later he is finally “getting there” so despite the “Fit hitting the Shan” in 2020, we could be coming out of it. Optimism, right?

I’m trying it out. Leave me be.

To be continued………….

High Density Living

Published July 19, 2021 by helentastic67

Melbourne city, apartments, high density areas.

High Density Living

These days high density living in inner city Melbourne has become the norm just like everywhere else.

There are all kinds of short cuts developers take to get more levels in but at a cost to quality. I overhead a story recently while getting a treatment in Collingwood at my free clinic.

A patient (or client) in the next cubicle stated he had a friend who had paid $750,000 for an apartment in that area and when he heard the kettle in the kitchen next door to his place going off, he knew it was time to move further out. He’s lucky it was just the kettle.

Hot off the Press – 15th June 2021

Published June 15, 2021 by helentastic67

Hot off the Press

Change does not come easy.

So, I guess my posts these days have become more of a Hot Off the Press edition. Today, I’m writing on a Friday morning and every day this week I’ve been needing the pennies to stop dropping if you feel me.

There is just something fucking new every frigging day, I’m up to pussy’s bow, the end of my rope, not sure my nerves will cope with much more.

You may be aware, earlier this year I may have mentioned my shrink (makes me sound crazier). My psychologist is wanting to retire. WHAT? I know.

She’s mentioned for a while now, over more recent years and I’ve been in denial, obviously at some point she decided she was more and more serious and in 2021, it’s happened. She’s winding down. Very sad face!

You see, I’ve been seeing her for 13 years, I know, still not fixed (That’s a mental health joke!). I tried to entice her to stay, but I haven’t unpacked my baggage from my teenage years yet. I think we all know I have, but she could not be encouraged to work forever.

I asked if I could have half my money back, as I’ve got to start again with someone new.

Anyway, this week I found out why I’ve been unable to nail down my Support Co-coordinator (fancy name for a case manager). I’d been told she was sick, I now also imagine she’s been doing a job trial for her new job, because she’s leaving. Meanwhile, I don’t know if my new shoes have been paid for? Well, they haven’t and I guess now, I’m making sure all the wheels are turning.

Because the NDIA makes sure everyone else gets paid, even if they haven’t been doing their jobs. So, of course I started making calls. Like I don’t have enough to do already? FFS!

Have been meaning to do this blog post for days and yesterday I realized why I hadn’t, all the pennies had yet to drop.

Thursday, found out I’m also getting a new Occupational Therapist (OT). Are you breaking up with me too? So yes. She did too. I’d only had this OT a few months as I’d finally kicked the last rubbish OT to the curb.

2020 is still kicking me in the pants and I’m over having to rehash all the things. FFS!

I need a cheat sheet!

Wednesday, I heard (got a text!), I’m at 81% of my year’s funding and it ends in December. So, I need a review and my support coordinator better bring her A-game.

The NDIA like to give you just enough funding to cover you for 10 months of the year and then you have to go beg for more, by which time they have moved the goal posts to mean you can’t have what you previously had. I also heard the NDIA has trialed a new ‘thing’, it’s called Personas (Independent assessment) and an algorithm.

It’s just a funny way to put us all in little boxes as if we need the same things. We will all hurry the fuck up and go do study, or just get a job and not be a drain on the Australian government. It’s like they realized people with disabilities deserve a normal life and things and human rights. Until they realized how expensive having ethics is. Then they’ve tried to take out the human element so they can be more economized.

Advocacy never ends does it.

On the upside, Smith Street in Collingwood was voted the best street in the world! Voted by the editors of Smith Street has been named the coolest street in the world (timeout.com)

I got to catch up with Noelle last night by phone. I’ve started calling her every few weeks to chat. We were commiserating over how bitterly cold it got all of a sudden. Winter has hit. And Melbourne has come out of lockdown 4.0. We still need to wear masks and Noelle is in Sydney and they do not.

So, I just tease her at least we have heaters in Melbourne. They had their coldest day on record in 37 years yesterday and the rivalry continues between Sydney and Melbourne.

We still have better coffee, art and street culture. I mean they don’t even have a National Gallery, it’s in Canberra. WT Firetruck!? (Trying to swear less, is it working?)

We have the MCG and the laneway street art; Melbourne has all these things. Just saying.

Trying to end on an upbeat.

Hot off the Press 31st May 2021

Published June 1, 2021 by helentastic67

Hot off the Press

A Hot off the Press like no other. Last week I was able to have my visit to Young Betty. We met in Rehab and for just a moment I’ll let you imagine we met in drug-rehab, except we didn’t.

Betty is my 90-years young friend I tease every week day after and before watching a trashy TV show I introduced her to. I’m not even sorry.

Although Betty was not having the best day as it was the 1-year anniversary of the passing of her husband (and a day) and the day of the 4th lockdown in Melbourne F**k You! CoVid! (I might just mean thank you)

Friday, I put a rib out!!!!!!! Nothing! I’m just answering your question. Ok, I was putting on my jacket, then just couldn’t move. Trip to chiropractor (2nd in 3 days!) I actually used a swear word I’ve not used before, she laughed! Thankfully, as I was squirming. It hurt so much. Anyone who speak “Chiropractor” it was L10/11.

Friday night, the tram works began out the front of my apartment complex. I did get a 15 second audio sample of what I referred to as the “Soundtrack of my lockdown!” But didn’t save it. (Don’t even start me on that monumental fail!) Here are some photos instead.

The whole street is closed for a week. For all the noise they are making, they had better be making the new tram stop accessible. Progress, you know. I could Fang it out of the garage on hellonwheels and straight onto a tram, to my local appointments. Wouldn’t that be good?

On the upside to the lockdown, currently only 7 days, is I get a 4-day weekend. So much for catching up on what didn’t happen in 2020. At least I’ve got Mika for company next.

Stay safe.

Cheers,
H

Joke from Hellonwheels

Published May 25, 2021 by helentastic67

Joke from Hellonwheels

As you might all be aware of, I’m always busy. Did 2020 put a dint in anything? No.

One of the reasons you could get out in Melbourne during what was known as the toughest lockdown anywhere, to stop the spread of Covid, was medical appointments.

I was out at one yesterday, when I came up with this witty joke.

You remember the days when the military used ear piercing metal music 24/7 to keep their prisoners sleep deprived? Send water boarding? (I know this is wrong, but hang in there?)
So, the new torture device is………..
“Tell us the codes to end the world!”

Do you remember that song?

Your welcome!

Men/Women

Published May 17, 2021 by helentastic67

Men/Women

Sometimes I see the perfect example in name about how men and women differ. This is not to say one is better than the other or worse, however rarely the perfect example presents itself for me to share, so I shall.

I was on a tram heading into the city, in the early evening. It was still Spring, but towards the end of the season. In Melbourne, that translates as flowers, wind, winter, rain, hot, Spring, Spring, Spring, rain. Forty degrees in the shade. That about nails it.

Several of my carers have hay fever for months. A young guy was sniffling a lot on the tram and it was rather unpleasant, not that I gave any indication of disgust.

He got up to check the tram route map and when he sat again, he apologised for sniffling and explained it was hay fever. He had gotten up that morning and had run out of tablets.

Context done.

A woman a week earlier would have noticed, then to fit a visit in somewhere when she was close to a chemist during the week. By day five, let’s imagine Friday, she would have started to consider there had to be a chemist somewhere and she would have gone out of her way to be prepared. Guys – he just plain ran out.

I had not been concerned he was contagious, but I reached out a hand offering him 3 slightly crumpled tissues. I could tell he wanted to take them, but he looked concerned they were not clean. I reassured him I had only just put them in my bag.