The Feels

I’ve had a terrible case of the feels today and the sad it has not helped at all that my carer arrived today in a cloud of perfume. I asked if she had read my profile that clearly stated “NO PERFUME!”  She answered, “Perfume was her thing!” As if this exempted her somehow, like what the fuck people what is your thing, can you get a new thing that doesn’t give me a migraine.

My “thing” is to offer empty threats. I’m not violent but I do like a good empty threat because people will never know if I’m serious or not. My empty threat of choice is if you don’t stop XYZ whatever the “thing” is that they’re doing that is not to my liking I will throat punch you. I guess it’s a kind of saying I want you to stop breathing I want you to hurt so badly that you might die because you cannot breathe. And I definitely mean to hurt you as much as your actions are hurting me.

So, I started the day with a migraine and I went to the final AGM the final meeting for the group I’ve been part of the ten years where every single month I would attend I would come home with a migraine don’t know why I would do this to myself, but it was a group of people that apparently were my tribe because we all have brain injuries. Despite all having very different brain injuries.

The people I’d met and loved there, have come and gone, moved onto new adventures and the things I’d achieved in the time I’d been there had more recently been demolished by the new members that purely by accident fell into powerful positions. For the whole ten years I’d been attending every month I’d been wondering when I would be happy to walk away.

Certainly, my presence, being able to remind them of the hard work of previous members and advocates was not being listened to.

At the AGM I was asked to stand so people I did not recognise could see someone that had been there for twenty plus years. I was close to tears as despite planning my exit for as long as I’d been there and mostly the recent passing of my father. Sob! Something else was coming to an end.

I was asked if I wanted to say something. I did, but it would not have been what they wanted to hear, or the new potential members would have wanted to hear. I kept my mouth shut.

Over lunch, the let’s call them the “Leader” (For want of a better term), came up to me and told me I could come back at any time.

Let me be clear, WHAT THE FUCK MORON! I’M FREE! I’M NOT COMING BACK!

Went home that day, took some pain meds. The hard ones! And was in bed by around 3.30pm. Was still hung over from that migraine days later. It was a bad one.

But weirdly they are not my tribe because they do not respect me, they do not support me and they may actually miss me when I’m not there, which is not my fault or my problem once a month. Now I’m going to have a working lunch with my carer and she can do some of my admin and I can either write my blog or something. Just anything else that doesn’t give me a migraine.