Rules to live by
1) Don’t fall over.
2) Don’t scratch my carers car.
3) Don’t get a migraine.
4) Find a reason to laugh.
Rules to Live By
Published August 4, 2025 by helentastic67Laughter
All posts tagged Laughter
A Morning Person, I am Not
Published March 31, 2025 by helentastic67
A Morning Person I am not
Guess what time Helen’s carer is arriving tomorrow? 8.15AM!
Someone did not get the Memo that Helen is NOT A MORNING PERSON! It won’t be the carer, but someone might be getting killed over this one!
I’m going to direct the carer whom I’ve only met once to my blog. I think she will laugh.
And the Good News – Drum Roll Please
Published November 4, 2024 by helentastic67
And the Good News – Drum Roll Please
And the good news is, Hernia. Sometimes, maybe rather than sharing this with my blog administrator/aka the Meme Queen, I thought I’d just blog it out.
On my phone in a cafe so I can just do it all in one go. As I’m given a big paper towel and some tissues to clean the jelly out of my belly button, I asked for the good news. She’s a lot younger, so the bad news would have just been “No Helen you’re just fat?”
Even in the bad news terrible scenario, I can find a way to make others laugh. Is it a gift? Maybe.
Can You Believe?
Published September 2, 2024 by helentastic67
Can You Believe
Just starting today with some much needed business, with a Happy Father’s Day for yesterday. As some of you may be aware its soon the second anniversary of my father’s passing, its crappy but it is what it is.
Meanwhile, yesterday marked the first day of spring in Australia and the first day of September. When the hell did that happen? I’m struggling with how quickly this year has gone, anyone else feeling like this year has flown with seemingly not much to show for it?
Also, almost a little Hot Off The Press Moment. Last night I was at Hamer Hall in Melbourne seeing the Celeste Barber show Back up Dancer.
My friend went to get us drinks and returned with a can of “Not Coke!” and it came with a plastic cup that we were to tip into the plastic cup, we were not allowed to take in the can. “What do you think we are going to do with the can?” I asked. Apparently, the obvious was “throw it” I asked why someone would throw a can at Celeste? and I followed this with “She’s, our Queen!” (Can not believe I said that!)
My next fine example of wit was to the next staffer, an Usher who was to direct us to our seat. “Where are you sitting?” to which I responded, “On my bum!” and I think our seats were too far back to do any damage to anyone on stage regardless of who they were with a can or otherwise. We know this is not the point. I’m just saying my coffee must have kicked in. What can I say? I’m pretty witty.
Meanwhile, if you are unfamiliar with all things Celeste consider yourself having just been given homework? Go, immerse yourselves in all things Celeste Barber on both Instagram and Tik Tok if you dare. I’m just saying, I cried with laughter, but I seriously cried. and my pelvic floor was already in tatters.
From the start to the very end and occasionally when all was quiet from the stage a giggle would break out from somewhere in the audience, including mine. I must say, I really love when comedians bring the audience into their world and share parts of who they are and some anecdotes about their lives you would never imagine, so human, and so funny.
I’m yet to write my posts about the shows I saw in the 2024 Melbourne International Comedy Festival, but this year Celeste is the first of two shows I’ve booked outside the Festival and I’ve already booked a show for next year’s Festival. You know I have my Dad to thank.
Grief and Humour – Part 2
Published February 27, 2023 by helentastic67
Grief and Humour – Part 2
So, while dealing with this whole grief thing I’m reminded of times I’ve seen women in the supermarket, they stop and seem to pause for a moment and a hand goes up to their heart and for a brief moment it looks like they just received some devastating news. I have been moved to ask if they are alright? And they pause and then they seem OK again and they reply as much and the day goes on.
Last Saturday I was attempting to get a loaf of rye bread carefully transported via a friend across town, delivered on the Friday, into my fridge freezer. My carer had suggested she could do this. But my first world problem in recent years has been a problem getting things into my fridge freezer.
Full disclosure, I also have a bar fridge size freezer and that’s full too. My carer has recently suggested I could live out of my freezers for six weeks without going shopping, but I’d eat a lot of chilli con carne, ice cream and stews, what a way to go.
So, there I am, fridge-freezer door open. My carer waits behind the door in the kitchen as I shuffled, to get the portioned bread into every nook and cranny, I talked as I worked telling her amusing little tidbits from my day, life, anecdotes of my life with my dad. Don’t recall now, even what I was telling her about, but every few sentences I paused, couldn’t speak. Wanted to burst into tears, but needed more importantly to finish my witty stories. I kept it together. My carer had told me I didn’t need to keep telling her whatever it had been I was telling her, but I finished both my stories and the task of getting all the bread in the freezer for safe keeping. Before I successfully closed the freezer door, I announced to my carer a little sadly. “I’m not leaving the door open because I don’t want you to see me cry” as I closed the door.
I just want to point out this is a hard job being ONE-HANDED! Just try it sometime. I offered my carer to open the door again and bathe in the brilliance that I had managed to achieve and she stated if she opened it again everything would fall out. I told her it would then be her job to get it all back in before she left.
So, I opened the door to show off my brilliant Jenga technique, from behind me the woman FUCKING SNEEZED.
And twos things fell out and we laughed.
You still get to laugh sometimes…..it’s just sweeter.
Today’s Lunch – 25th December 2019
Published December 24, 2019 by helentastic67
Today’s Lunch
Good mental health day! Or as I like to say Merry fucking Christmas!
It’s actually Tuesday right now, Christmas Eve as I tap this out. It’s a good day, I’m well-adjusted as I’ve seen my chiropractor who I won’t see now until mid-January. My girl Friday and I had fish and chips for lunch in Fairfield.
I will have a medicine later at home. I received a gift from my mum yesterday in the post and presuming it was a tree, due to its shape, I’ve left it to open tomorrow. A message late last night came from my mum stating I should open it and that it wasn’t a tree? I don’t know, you tell me? Mine is on the right, she lied didn’t she! It’s a tree!
My Christmas Tree
Mums Christmas Tree
Also, a photo of it during daylight without the lights on. I hope JD is impressed? As promised, cat-friendly. It is sitting on top of things in my living room about a metre off the ground and Mika can’t get to it, or shows little interest.
Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas. Be safe and try not to eat too much. I received my new NDIS Plan just in time for Christmas. I’m not looking at it until Thursday and over the New Year, I need to take some time off. My first medical appointment in the new year is the 9th and all the crazy starts again.
Also, while my girl-Friday was away I had some fresh new carers, one day I was in K-Mart on an important call from a lawyer. Trying to take it seriously when I looked up and this is how my girl-Friday 2, Oh had kept herself busy……..
I don’t know how I made it through that phone call.
Lastly, a big thanks for my wonderful blog administrator Noelle for whom hellonwheels would not happen. I am lucky her husband has a thing for trying to give himself diabetes. Last week, I managed to mule some gifts their way via a friend.
And today, the 24th, I managed to mule some goodies to the States to be sent to my friend in Texas! I have a post to write about to gift for appropriating people to mule things for me.
Also, Many thanks for my 200+ followers, for comments from close and far. Hope to see you in 2020!
Rest! Replenish and see you back for more in 2020!
Cheers,
H
Murder
Published October 28, 2019 by helentastic67
Murder
Oh, my Sweet Jesus Nelly! I don’t know if you can tell, but ‘Sweet Jesus’ has become part of my repertoire for swearing, but in this case it’s not in frustration or disgust, it’s because a carer shared the most hilarious side-splitting story with me on Monday.
Often as part of my time with carers I greet them with ‘how was your weekend?’ or whatever. I do see my carers more than family or friends, so I get their home lives set-up and know if they have had a good weekend or otherwise.
My Girl-Monday, lives with her son, daughter-in-law and 2.5-year-old granddaughter, while the husband is elsewhere finishing up selling a house, so he can join her in Melbourne. So, it was a bit of a surprise when Girl-Monday and I were in my ensuite and she came out with this statement.
“My daughter-in-law almost murdered my son on the weekend!”
WHAT?
I’m sorry What?
Did you say what I think you just did?
She did and she repeated it. My eyes darted to her face.
Apparently, the young granddaughter can get into the cot by herself (can you hear where this is going?) I’m thinking ahead and maybe they are already outsourcing parenting at bedtime and it goes like this.
“Oh, are you feeling sleepy? Do you want to get into bed?” Crazy right? I suspect this in reverse is why the son decided to teach the daughter (carers granddaughter) how to get out of the cot.
I looked at my carer and gave her a long Noooooo!!!!
So, he must have thought if in the morning and she wakes up before they are ready to get out of bed, they can call to her “Sweetie, do you want to get into bed with mummy and daddy?” and they wouldn’t need to go get her.
Again, I looked to my carer in a questioning his intelligence and of way. She informed me he is well educated intelligent young man.
I’m just thinking he has not thought this through and I’m with the daughter-in-law. Even now my sides hurt thinking about how my carer told me about this situation Monday morning.
I’m a single barren spinster, but I’ve had two younger sisters and even I know better.
Because Life is Short
Published August 17, 2018 by helentastic67
Because Life is Short
Because life is short, we should sometimes write about the little things that amuse us, that might amuse others. Rather than doom and gloom all the time.
So, this week I have been introduced to a new term for when a woman has her period.
I like the IT Crowd reference to Aunt Irma. If you are not familiar with the show, you just got homework. Wonder if my male followers read to this point.
The term I’ve been introduced to this week is called “Shark Week” I mean, on this topic in general, men can be such bastards. Oh, they think we blame everything on our periods, but if they had crazy hormones once a month and had just one full on menstrual cycle, they would bite their tongue and be much more considerate.
Where was I? The other name I’ve heard, this one Oprah uses, “You Know where Aunt Flo visits.” Oh Oprah, so love her… Then theirs “I’ve got the Decorators in.” What? That person also explained ‘You know the painters?’
What term do you use?
Cheeky
Published August 3, 2018 by helentastic67
Cheeky
Now, I like to imagine by now, you are fully aware I am a bit cheeky. I can’t be my usually cheeky self around family, because they don’t get it. Weird right? But I’ve got a new carer who takes me shopping and she has worked out very quickly how ‘fresh’ she can be with me, which is good.
We have been doing a little driving to locations, I can get to certain things without adding to the chaos and me having to carry things.
So, last Friday, after driving to a Health Food shop where I get some of my ‘good pills’ which I get in bulk, so they are cheaper. We drove to a neighbouring suburb to the Petshop. This pet shop has a cat that requires re-homing, there might be a kitten, bunnies, fish. Yeah! That kind of pet shop.
We pulled up in a car park on the street and when my carer was ready to disembark, she came out with a command.
“GET OUT”
To be fair, I wasn’t expecting it, but after a snort, I burst out laughing and so did she.
To be fair, it is always good to have a laugh when out with my carers because people don’t just see me as someone with a disability. People see me out with my ‘girlfriends’ laughing. Sharing stories and wit and people then don’t notice my disability. However, some carers don’t realise if they think they can out do me with wit, they are mistaken.
All I have to do is stand still and let out a screech.
“STOP IT”
And then
“YOU’RE HURTING ME!”
And people might come to my aid.
Motion Sickness
Published August 23, 2017 by helentastic67
Motion Sickness
I never understood why, but I was always plagued by motion sickness as a kid. Family road trips always started with me in the seat behind the driver with my head turned towards the side window (on the right) and my knees turned towards the centre of the vehicle. Did not allow for much room when the family car, growing up was a Valiant Charger.
Car trips usually ended with my mum in my seat and me in the front passenger seat!
These days any family car ride it becomes automatic that I ‘bags’ the front seat. While it’s been a long time since I’ve been ill in a car. With the exception of having a migraine once while back in the country for a brief visit and a trip in mum’s ‘Racing car” to the closest staffed emergency room, that day I needed a bucket, but that was extreme circumstances.
Over the last few years, living where I now live mum an I have had many an adventure to the Swedish warehouse to get ‘storage solutions’, to the point we not only avoid the showroom, but we even drive up the exit (a spiral design) and park next to the pick-up area to go straight into the warehouse where we make a snatch and grab before getting the hell outta there.
One painful day, I was feeling more than a bit ‘seedy’. Lack of sleep, too busy, too stressed, migraine, whatever it was. Mum told me as we arrived at the spiral exit to get ready.
Reaching across my body, I held on to the handle above the door on the roof. I swear my mum was a rally car driver in a previous life.
Of course, I told her to take it easy. To which she chose to mention the sick bag in the pocket in the door beside me INSIDE A SNAPLOCK BAG!
I suggested if I was going to be sick I would not have time to deal with a snaplock bag one handed. I cannot tell you how quickly I was made to give her that bag so she could get it out.
Even at the time and no matter how many times I share that story it gets a laugh.
Sometimes, you just have to laugh…
Hell onWheels/Life One Handed 