Not a Drinker

Published June 22, 2026 by helentastic67

Not a Drinker

Now, I do vehemently stand behind my statement that I barely drink, it’s very true despite the fact I have some serious alcohol in my home. Today I also went to a drive through bottle shop, also fondly referred to as a Bottle-O. Monday I bought some large jars and today I scooped up 2 Kilos of cumquats to make cumquat brandy. So, having a bottle of brandy at home already, I would be very annoyed if I started this process only to find I didn’t have enough brandy. I make a batch every few years as they need to marinade for four years. My oldest jar is about twenty years and its very dark I’m not wanting to need to crack that one open. I use the cumquats in my baking and the brandy is very nice in some lemonade, specifically Tarax Black Lemonade. It’s a nice Ladies drink, otherwise known as an aperitif. Explaining it like this, do I sound like a drinker?

It’s always much fun at a Bottle-O as I need to be directed to the brandy and they always show me their most expensive drop. I tell them I want the cheaper end of the market because when I’m done with it, it will be top shelf. The banter with the rather young male staff goes well and I mention while referring to my late-twenties carer I once went there for a small and cheap bottle of red wine to put in my bolognese and despite my carer being twenty, they asked her for ID, I asked today “Why don’t you ask the mid-life crazy ladies for ID?” I suggested while I’m not there for wine, they must see many hormonal women they just want to get them outta there with their wine.

Going to the post office I went to collect my two small parcels and I was offered five boxes of wine to which I swiftly replied, “No Thanks!”

So, circling back to my parting from the Bottle-O and my carer takes the purchase and calls back to me we can go. “Come on! Let’s go home and get drunk!” I laughed but hope he believed my version of our encounter. I do love the wit and humour of my carers, and their timing can be absolutely On-Point.

Middle Age

Published July 8, 2024 by helentastic67

Middle Age

I feel I’m now of an age (51) where when younger people, particularly those in their early twenty’s mention “when they were at school….” I pre-empt their next statement with “so, yesterday?”

I’m not going up to these very young humans out on the street, so I know they will take my comment with the humour it implies, because in the last fifteen years or so since my disability, I’ve had a lot of younger people with more qualifications than I have that I’ve forged friendships with.

The only problem with this, after you get over the music/pop-culture/etc differences where I give out lots of homework and eventually, they get who the likes of Diana Ross is.

Oh yeah, I take out my hair and I’ll catch a view of my boofy hair in a mirror. Even Mika doesn’t understand what has happened and who this weird woman is. I’m weird. Diana Ross? Not weird. You know that if you don’t know who that is? You just got homework. You’re welcome.

Then there’s the younger people in my life that have the freedoms to travel, work abroad, get married, settle down. Aaaaawwwwwhhhhhhh, it’s adorable, you can be happy for them and sad for me at the same time.

And I can just hope they circle back into my world at a later date and I get to hear about all the exciting things they have done in their absence.

Happy Easter

Published April 1, 2024 by helentastic67

Winter is Coming

You know those people that always have something negative to say?

Well, when I say something negative, I always like to try a bit of humour.

So here goes. I wanna be like a bear and hibernate when winter is not even officially here yet.

Grief and Humour – Part 2

Published February 27, 2023 by helentastic67

Grief and Humour – Part 2

So, while dealing with this whole grief thing I’m reminded of times I’ve seen women in the supermarket, they stop and seem to pause for a moment and a hand goes up to their heart and for a brief moment it looks like they just received some devastating news. I have been moved to ask if they are alright? And they pause and then they seem OK again and they reply as much and the day goes on.

Last Saturday I was attempting to get a loaf of rye bread carefully transported via a friend across town, delivered on the Friday, into my fridge freezer. My carer had suggested she could do this. But my first world problem in recent years has been a problem getting things into my fridge freezer.

Full disclosure, I also have a bar fridge size freezer and that’s full too. My carer has recently suggested I could live out of my freezers for six weeks without going shopping, but I’d eat a lot of chilli con carne, ice cream and stews, what a way to go.

So, there I am, fridge-freezer door open. My carer waits behind the door in the kitchen as I shuffled, to get the portioned bread into every nook and cranny, I talked as I worked telling her amusing little tidbits from my day, life, anecdotes of my life with my dad. Don’t recall now, even what I was telling her about, but every few sentences I paused, couldn’t speak. Wanted to burst into tears, but needed more importantly to finish my witty stories. I kept it together. My carer had told me I didn’t need to keep telling her whatever it had been I was telling her, but I finished both my stories and the task of getting all the bread in the freezer for safe keeping. Before I successfully closed the freezer door, I announced to my carer a little sadly. “I’m not leaving the door open because I don’t want you to see me cry” as I closed the door.

I just want to point out this is a hard job being ONE-HANDED! Just try it sometime. I offered my carer to open the door again and bathe in the brilliance that I had managed to achieve and she stated if she opened it again everything would fall out. I told her it would then be her job to get it all back in before she left.

So, I opened the door to show off my brilliant Jenga technique, from behind me the woman FUCKING SNEEZED.

And twos things fell out and we laughed.

You still get to laugh sometimes…..it’s just sweeter.

Humour and Grief

Published January 15, 2023 by helentastic67

Humour and Grief

I know my posts were more on the miserable side since my father’s passing last October. Can’t even consider it on the dark side, it was very dark times. But, despite all of this I’ll share with you a few of the more humorous moments I shared with family and friends. My father being only in his mid-70’s had spent a great deal of time alone in more recent years, pre-the Covid-19 even.

He kept himself busy with jigsaw puzzles, something we used to do when we were kids over the summer. Trying to sneak out the corner piece when it was close to finished so we could come in and help put in the last piece.

My father retired early, much to his annoyance because, before he turned sixty, he was diagnosed with bowel cancer, followed by his consistent, bladder cancer. (Similar part of the body!) he did chemo for both. He managed to keep his hair. Both times. Not his beard but his hair on his head, bit of a Legend.

Anyway, I digress, many jigsaw puzzles and more than enough cactuses. What’s the plural here? Just asked google. I’ll let you also.

Alas, his fight was over, sad. The next struggle has been where should the jigsaws and dry, sharp, prickly, spider web covered plants go? Yeah, I had told my father in recent years his life should all be about standing outside holding a garden hose, little effort. He couldn’t.

At the funeral, jigsaws were on offer to anyone to help themselves. I told a few, “If you don’t take one with you, I’m sending five to your home!” Mildly successful. Still some to rehome.

The cacti? My dad’s two brothers visited and we beckoned them over to about five pots busting with cacti and pups ready to be re-potted.

My two uncles, no idea what’s was about to take place, like lambs to the slaughter. “Dad wanted you to each have a plant. It was in his will!” And their children, now adults, the joy on my most tender-hearted uncle’s face “Really?”

Had to be honest, no. But he would be very happy if you took some. When they’re over Christmas, many of the plants had flowers. I like to imagine dad was smiling down on us.

Some Wisdom

Published October 10, 2022 by helentastic67

Some Wisdom

Because HellOnWheels like myself takes prides on being a multi-faceted blogger, with plenty of different interests’ wisdom and knowledge in life, here’s a little advice from the carpenter’s daughter in me.

“Measure TWICE!
CUT ONCE!”

You’re welcome.

Going for a bit of light humour because it makes things a little better on even our darkest of days. Except for this part.

For my dad Frank, may he Rest in Peace born 15^th July 1948 – 5^th October 2022.

My head understands but my heart and soul are breaking.

Today’s Lunch – 10th October 2018

Published October 10, 2018 by helentastic67

Todays Lunch

Today’s Lunch

Good Mental Health Day

People often think people with disabilities don’t have a sense of humour, they would be wrong. Made the best disability joke yesterday and only two people were there to witness it. I was at Ross House where the self-advocacy group, I go to is located. All the resident organisations are not for profit (NGO’s) The lift is old and small and slow, there are stairs. I’ve never used them. There are four floors and with my young carer who normally escorts me shopping and cooking on Fridays in the lift and a complete stranger, the lift seemed to stop every floor on the way down yet there was no one there to get on the lift. I muttered to my carer as to why the lift kept stopping without anyone joining us? “Someone probably pressed the button and they got sick of waiting and took the stairs but, I can guarantee you it’s not someone in a wheelchair!” Yeah, I went there.

Disability humour

Wednesday has started a bit differently. No water in the whole apartment complex until after 1pm so lunch will be after my only appointment and I think it’s about time I put a myth to rest, I wrote in an earlier post how I dislike the “Like”. It may have been taken out of context. I love the “Like” I have only two ways to tell if people read or like my posts. I know it sounds needy, however, hit me with a “Like and comment” I need to be validated too. Oh, yeah! I just hit 200 followers. I know, it’s not that many to some of you. I still get excited by every single one. I go check out what you have to write about and hit you up with a “Like” so you know I dropped by. If you write about something I’m interested in or feel I can support you I will follow you also.

Like

Eventually I got out on Hellonwheels to get to my only appointment, which was to get stabbed, that being acupuncture. In true Melbourne style it’s spring. So, t-shirt weather if you are lucky to be in the sun but not catching the wind. I couldn’t wait to get home to put on some warmer clothes. I stopped to collect a little cannoli and a French donut (it’s got custard in it) and stop at the post office.

French donut

No photos today. But I can show you some cute toys I bought Mika last Friday. You have already shown more interest in her new toys by reading this. Except, well I think I don’t need to describe what obviously happened here.

Mika toys

Need more coffee, much more coffee! Medicine!

Coffee

Scooter Etiquette

Published June 11, 2018 by helentastic67

Scooter Etiquette

Get out of the Fucking way! Is that rude to say that? I did mention early on that I swear and that has meant I’ve been really good not to in print – much.

Get out of the way

Or I substitute other “words” or phrases, I do my best. Often when debriefing someone about some shitful situation, my frustration is so great every other word is the F* Bomb.

I do it with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye and when I do this with people who know me they find my humour and appreciate it too. Thankfully.

Twinkle in the eye

Make a mental note: Surround yourself with people who make you laugh and smile and let you be yourself.

So, I’m getting back into my lunch at my favourite café on Wednesday, no matter how poor I am, so I can write and today, despite being Autumn in Melbourne I was able to scooter.

Lunch

As I was cruising along the High Street to where I have my last appointment and I park my scooter, I was stuck behind two girls just dawdling along. One walking, the other walking her bike, both definitely ‘blocked’ me (saw me other their shoulders) and neither decided to make room, so I could pass. I was late for my rendezvous with Young John and as I was passing the Post Office, I still wanted to make a quick stop.

Walking in front of scooter

So, these fucking girls, not a fricken care in the world.

I have a horn on my scooter that I rarely use. It’s more a “beep” so, I avoid using it. But occasionally, I’m tempted to just growl.

Get out of the fucking way

“GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!”

Is that rude?

Is that rude

Gloves 4 Love

Published April 27, 2018 by helentastic67

Gloves

Gloves 4 Love

Today, some weeks after attempting a process of buying gloves for both my carers and myself with some of the NDIS funding I have been allocated, I was discussing with the woman over the phone whether to commit to buying boxes or cartons. Um? How many in a box? How many boxes to a carton?

Gloves 4 Love

I’m likely moving in the next few months, so I explained if I have a Costco size store of rubber gloves here my mum will demand – Why the hell did you order so many?

Carton of gloves

So, to avoid unnecessary grumpy, I only ordered three boxes, two for the carers and one for me.

Why do I have to buy them theirs?

But she did laugh when I briefly toyed with getting a bulk supply and moving them on the black market.

Black Market

Is there a black market for latex gloves?

Sometimes it’s the little things, the humour came out to play again.

Funny gloves

One of my favourite things people will say or ask of me when they ask me what happened to me is. “You should see the other guy?”

See the other guy

Sometimes it’s all about where you are, when asked. Today a man asked me this while in the waiting room at the Acupuncturist. I thought for a moment if he was familiar with me and a friend who I used to chat with while waiting to be stabbed.

Look familiar

I decided no, he wasn’t familiar with my friend Damo and responded as he intended and responded “Dead”

But I felt the need to explain my moment of contemplation and explained my friend used to get acupuncture here also, but has since decided he’s done with Acupuncture.

Meet my friend Damo.

Damo and Helen 3

He’s had two strokes! Note: how much better than me he looks.

Acquired Brain Injury Humour

Published February 10, 2017 by helentastic67

ABI Humour

I imagine most people with a serious medical condition or a disability will find some solace in humour.

I confess I love the term “Wrong”, because it adequately covers my type of humour.

I often have a quick wit that people don’t understand or appreciate.

The other times my humour is ABI related and completely “Wrong”, it’s how I like it.

Here’s an idea of wrong……….the one I’m okay with putting on my blog at least.

I sometime get hay fever. Luckily most years at Springtime I haven’t been getting hay fever, but the last time the conversation came up at an ABI Social group I was going to, I commented; “Yeah! Haven’t had hay fever for years, but this year I’ve blown my brains out!”

The facilitator looked at me a little startled as I am one of the less “Brain Injured people of the group.” So, I guess I’m saying I get held to different standards.

I stopped “What? I’ve been blowing my nose a lot!”

I give a frown and a bit of a shrug and move on.

There are times I refer to the other “thing” which also includes a reference to Jackson Pollock, but not today…