Smart

Published June 15, 2018 by helentastic67

Smart

Something I love about my carers I’ve had for some time is I can have my smart mouth or my sharp tongue with them and they get my humour and respond as they are meant to. My regular carer arrived this morning and it was the first serious frost outside.

Smart mouth

Not quite ‘pea-soup’ consistency, but not great. She came up the stairs to the front door and I pointed to the frost and told her “I blame you for that!”

Frost

Obviously, she does not have super powers, but she responded in kind with “I wish I had those powers!”

Later when she was doing my hair at the dinning room table, she tugged a little hard on my ponytail. I let out and “ouch”.

Brushing hair

She said sorry and I told her she would be. She laughed.

Had my mum have been there as in the past, she would chastise me like a child. I know, but sometimes it’s the little things…

Naughty

Scooter Etiquette

Published June 11, 2018 by helentastic67

Scooter Etiquette

Get out of the Fucking way! Is that rude to say that? I did mention early on that I swear and that has meant I’ve been really good not to in print – much.

Get out of the way

Or I substitute other “words” or phrases, I do my best. Often when debriefing someone about some shitful situation, my frustration is so great every other word is the F* Bomb.

I do it with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye and when I do this with people who know me they find my humour and appreciate it too. Thankfully.

Twinkle in the eye

Make a mental note: Surround yourself with people who make you laugh and smile and let you be yourself.

So, I’m getting back into my lunch at my favourite café on Wednesday, no matter how poor I am, so I can write and today, despite being Autumn in Melbourne I was able to scooter.

Lunch

As I was cruising along the High Street to where I have my last appointment and I park my scooter, I was stuck behind two girls just dawdling along. One walking, the other walking her bike, both definitely ‘blocked’ me (saw me other their shoulders) and neither decided to make room, so I could pass. I was late for my rendezvous with Young John and as I was passing the Post Office, I still wanted to make a quick stop.

Walking in front of scooter

So, these fucking girls, not a fricken care in the world.

I have a horn on my scooter that I rarely use. It’s more a “beep” so, I avoid using it. But occasionally, I’m tempted to just growl.

Get out of the fucking way

“GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!”

Is that rude?

Is that rude

God, But not what you think

Published June 8, 2018 by helentastic67

God not what you think

God – Not what you think!

Osteo/Remediate/Mio/Chiro/Acupuncture/Physio. This is starting to be a typical week for me and by the time I get to the last one on the list, they obviously think I’ve overdone it and they seem to think I might be confused as to who helps and who doesn’t.

Typical Week

I love the mentality of some medical professions that think they are the only one’s who can help me and they question all the other things I do as being not worthy.

Professional Mentality

I generally see the benefits of all the above things I do and I will favour the people more open minded because all of the above keep me upright, walking and talking.

Dr says

Everyone has had a part and getting me this far, some more than others and it is up to me to decide what I need and for how long. And I don’t need anyone else to act like they are God and think they know what’s best for me.

Think they are God

Not family, doctors, the Government or a Case Manager.

I know best

Joke

Published June 4, 2018 by helentastic67

Joke

Here’s a joke for you.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

(I sweat this joke is 20 years old and I don’t mean any offense. It’s just a reference for the next joke.)

A: A bloody good start…

Lawyer joke

The 90’s! They were rough right? I think today the joke should be…

Q: What do you call 100 Real Estate Agents at the bottom of the ocean?

mmmmmm….

You get my point now, don’t you?

Looking for a new rental property can be brutal. A tenant seems to give notice and the Real Estate advertises it straight away. I get that it’s their job to keep rent coming in for their landlords, but….

Real Estate

The outgoing tenant hasn’t really looked around at their options. I can’t see it until closer to it being available and then there’s a ten-minute open for inspection, where 15-20 other people are there also.

Smaller apartment

I often email the agent to say, are their any stairs? I can do about four steps with a handrail, that’s my limit.

I have been to see a property, it’s cheaper than what I’m currently paying and smaller and not further away from my comfort zone.

There’s no washing machine taps in the bathroom. There is a shower over a bath. Yes, I did ask. The property is way too small. As I walk out, the property manager is standing there at the bottom of the steps to more flats upstairs and she’s telling everyone as they have a communal laundry up the stairs. Sometimes I think there should be a charge for my time and them wasting it.

Communal Laundry

I found a property online, seriously late last night, OK technically this morning. I received an email stating the property had been leased.

Too Late

Selfish

Published June 1, 2018 by helentastic67

Selfish

I have dilly dallied about writing this post for some time because of the obvious slanderous nature (note title) of the message I want to shine the light on.

Shine a light

There are people who have a disability and they travel, they work, they shop, they enjoy life as a consumer of all good things. Yet, they will bitch, whinge and moan (maybe that should be the title) about how hard they have worked to appear ‘Normal’.

Normal

I know in many ways I appear normal and when I am forced to explain I actually have a brain injury, they are surprised.

I am normal

Grumpy

Published May 28, 2018 by helentastic67

Grumpy

I confess to say, on some days I make my carers laugh before they even get in the front door. I generally sleep until my carer rings the doorbell and wakes me. I know, what a princess, I usually wake and go back to sleep from only hours after I go to bed, so it’s weird sleep and any coma-like sleep I get from 7am until my carer arrives and rings the doorbell is maybe going to wake me.

I stumble out of bed towards the front door, usually calling out “Hang on”. Beside the front door are panels of glass, so I sometimes see them raise their arm to press the doorbell again. I let out a low growl. I’m sure my neighbours must think these women who come and go laughing must think I am mad.

Getting out of bed

At other times like this morning, Aunty Christine (one of my carers I’ve had for the last four years) was grumpy. She has been overworked and recent leave, she has taken off work, to be a full-time carer at home for family and stressing about all of that.

Auntie Christine

I’ve been stressed about life, the Universe and everything also, so while sitting on the edge of the bath while waiting to get dried, I had time to have a little scratch.

Scratching

I scratch just about everywhere I could reach with my right hand. It’s kinda what I do when anxious, it’s also been hot, so some might be heat rash.

Anxiety Scratching

Out comes the Tea Tree Oil and the moisturiser. She prepares to do the oil on my back. The other carers have been neglectful.

Aunty Christine has a little swear about that. (We have set up a standard where she only does this with me and no other clients. I’m very much OK with it) We move to the lounge and she picks up my AFO. She picks it up by a part that was added on after it was made. It was meant to solve a problem that wouldn’t have existed, if they had made what they were meant to make the first time, instead of a ‘Piss-Arse’ effort that caused me more problems than solved.

Swearing

Christine has a swear about the AFO’s also. I tell her it’s getting completely replaced Thursday, one whole day away. She threatens to bring her glue gun to fix it.

She notices my toe nails are a bit long, we had already discussed my scratching, my heat rash on my weak arm, back and side. Basically, anywhere I could reach with my right hand. Again, my nails are being attended to on Thursday. Nothing too expensive or extravagant, just maintenance I can’t do and I’m not allowed to have my carers to do for me.

Long toe nails

Those humans I choose to interact with and the teasing make life all worth while. Make sure teasing is teasing though and don’t take it too far. That’s when it becomes bullying. Very fine line!

Tera Toons

And now, as time has passed I’m now aware the scratching is partly to do with me sliding into the Pause…….(menopause)

Menopause Super! Right?

It just gets better and better……..

Gets Better

Green Dream

Published May 25, 2018 by helentastic67

Green Dream

Years ago, in the open plan office I worked in, I heard the end snip-it of a conversation across the office. I was “Huh? What’s that?” It was explained to me. When you were a kid and you come home from school and the dog Roger the Ramjet wasn’t there to greet you. (to be clear, we didn’t have a dog, so I just picked a name at random.)

Roger Ramjet

And mum says “Roger went to the farm to live, where there’s a big paddock to run around in with lots of fences and trees to pee on.

Dog on the farm

Now I didn’t know this but, apparently, it’s a code for mum took Roger to the vet to be put down while you were at school and you wouldn’t be upset.

Vet

This might be an older mentality than these days, but as I’m contemplating when it’s time to call the vet for Jamima I’m thinking there is no Roger Ramjet version for cats.

https://hellonwheelslifeonehanded.wordpress.com/2017/03/10/jamima-the-human-cat/

I guess there are pillows in heaven with lots of food options and no vacuum cleaners or children to pester them. It’s not a great day, but I don’t want her to suffer and while her getting to the Kitty litter is becoming a problem, I’d rather know I’ll be there holding her telling hear how much she has meant to me.

Heaven

How boyfriends and housemates have come and gone, yet she has still been there and it’s okay for her to sleep the eternal sleep. Dreaming of fish and nuts (my name for dry cat food) and food bowls that are always overflowing and never run dry.

Jamima

Open to suggestions of other terms for the Green Dream which I’ve only recently learned of.

Just very sad…

Very sad

HellonWheels

Published May 21, 2018 by helentastic67

Hellonwheels

How she came to be? As you may already be aware Hellonwheels was a nickname a friend of my sisters gave me, way back when, even years before I got my license to drive and that wasn’t until my thirties.

Drivers licence

SHUDDUP. I will not take any criticism about how slow I was to learn to drive and get my license. I was a thing and then the other thing and then you will hear about getting it just in time later.

But, today I thought I’d give you the rules and regs of having a mobility scooter.

Rules for Mob Scooter

My process was when I was referred to the council, The City of Yarra a year or two after I developed my disability, it all started to happen.

I was referred to many people to act upon all the things I needed and wasn’t aware of. I thought I’d just start getting carers to help me dry and dress, make my bed and clean my home. An OT (Occupational Therapist) would come out to access how I manage, how I get around, transport etc and she had the brilliant idea to organise a mobility scooter.

Mobility Scooter

Some people just think you go to a shop and buy one and your good to go.

That’s not it at all…

The OT negotiated with my GP, had a copy of all my medical conditions etc. It was deemed I would be safe on a scooter and that the general public would also be safe on the streets and then the man with the van came out from Scooters’ Australia with three scooters.

Test Drive

The first one he told me all about it and I got on and they walked beside me as we did a block on the footpath, we went over some cobbled stones in the guttering, (difficulty rating: some) and along Hoddle Street past my favourite shop there. (It’s called Schotts) Past a laneway, which I did not stop for.

First test drive

Not stop for prompting him to tell me “I just got killed!” Prompting me to tell him cars never come out of there. My left foot drifts out of the footboard, all because of my Drop-foot and if I’m not putting weight on it, it just does what it likes. Back home, the man disappeared into the van and backed out on a second scooter, slightly bigger.

Second test

I got on that one and repeated the ride, being careful not to get myself killed in the same places I’d neglected my basic knowledge of road rules as the first time.

All went well, I can’t recall much about that scooter, it might have been too bouncy or rather big? Big can be a problem when it comes to storing a scooter.

But alas I almost forgot, the man disappeared into the van a third time and came out the biggest scooter. Good to have options and all but I confess I looked at the OT and told her ‘this one must be the big fat Elvis!’

Third test

I think I had a little ‘Go’ on the big fat Elvis, but didn’t bother going around the block like I did with the first one.

Now which to choose?

Choosing scooter

Choosing scooter 1 Choosing scooter 2

Let’s just tell you all the reasons why I chose the first one. It was the smallest, easier to store, the seat comes off, the front handle (part thing) folds down and the scooter (I’m told) fits into my car boot. Except and he rattled off several cars makes and models, so let’s just say most. Probably not a Porsche or Mini Minor or even…. I don’t know.

Mini Minor

My mum has a little Mazda and I don’t even know if it fits in her car boot as we’ve never tried. Point being, if you go to a shopping complex or a day away holiday, you can take Hellonwheels with you. The tyres are solid, so no worrying about flat tyres and I have a satchel on the back.

Mazda

My scooter was the cheapest at $4,000.00. Of which I obviously did not have and she was not at all fazed by this.

The OT got her letter writing hat on and started pounding the pavement to get me funding.

Now, you probably wonder where Hellonwheels lives? When I first got her, I lived in a single storey terrace house opposite Public Housing. I had a small backyard and no cover out the back. Again, no money, again more potential funding.

Shed for scooter

The gate at the front that gave us access was replaced and a power supply was required. The landlord also sorted the power supply in my backyard for the scooter.

Funding was sourced for a shed to go in my backyard. It ended up with the scooter and my gardening supplies. It took up half my backyard and because the clothes line was so loose it was able to stay up and I still had half to use for my washing.

Shed

The shed has been mine to keep, the next house I lived in, the scooter lived under a BBQ cover as there was not enough room for the shed to go up.

Hellonwheels now resides in my scooter shed under the building I moved to 6 months ago, with my gardening things. There is power to the scooter as it needs to be constantly on live power. Not a battery. Every outing on my scooter is a potential adventure. Also, a possibility of a way to engage the community in discussion about disability and hopefully not a chance to need to make a claim on my Insurance. I have up to $10,000 if I injure someone but I’m really not planning to need it. Fingers crossed.

Underground garage

Fat Furniture

Published May 18, 2018 by helentastic67

Fat Furniture

Who loves a good classic piece of furniture? But hates how disability makes us fat. Well, strap in you will love this post.

The early days of my disability I started to get just a tiny little jelly belly, yes, it’s how it starts.

I used to create a diamond shape around my belly button and push together so it resembled the buttons on a Chesterfield couch.

Then I got my disability and I could only do it one handed, not nearly as effective, clearly.

My belly has gotten bigger. Yeah, it’s the only word for it. Bigger, still jelly, but bigger. But there are rare moments I actually appreciate having a belly. I know right?

Last week I departed home on my Hellonwheels and halfway down the street, running late for my local appointment I heard the clown horn on my phone in the satchel bag, on the back of my scooter. Running late, couldn’t stop to check it, have to prioritize and get to where I’m going, then check it.

Around the corner on the High Street, to the pedestrian crossing, press the button for the lights to change and grab phone. The lovely Noelle, start to respond, we have an understanding we text when we can, but when we’re busy we let the other person know we are unavailable.

So, I tucked the phone on the top of my thigh under my belly. Not the safest option for an iPhone, I didn’t pay off on contract. The first and only phone I’ll probably ever get funded, but I don’t have any tummy muscles, so think I’m safe.

So, there you go, a bonus from having a disability.

Normal

Published May 14, 2018 by helentastic67

Normal

Lately, I’ve had a new batch of carers come to me for a variety of different services. They have come from different cultural, religious backgrounds and different ages and beliefs and education.

Different

And again, here I come explaining some common-sense stuff, some manners (you heard me) and that it’s not sad or against God if someone is Gay.

Common Sense

I’m not Gay, but seriously I didn’t survive this long without having Gay friends. But it’s weird that again a new batch of carers and I have to be the one to explain what I accept as normal is actually ‘NORMAL’.

Normal is normal

If I’ve got a guy in the peripheral of life who is my friend, values me for who I am, is the right amount of bitchy, right amount of foody talk and a decent degree of understanding and empathy. What do I care they are into penises? And not V-jay jay. It makes life easier that I know they’re not trying to get into my pants.

Gay friends

They obviously appreciate me for the other parts of me. I think I’m lucky for my Gay friends.

Oh, yeah the manners part.

Good Manners

Sometimes I have carers who just help themselves to things, like tissues or rechargeable phones (WTF). Some girls walk through the lounge, grab a napkin (and I’m watching this as I follow them) they scrunch it up and throw it in the kitchen bin.

Seriously, I’m more than a bit “Green” and I’m not made of money.

Not made of money