Before recent years I never even knew what gaslighting was, I never saw the film, I did a few years ago go to see the Julia Roberts miniseries Gaslit. That was awful. But that’s the point.
So, it’s sometimes subtle, my appointments are moved or rescheduled without telling me or negotiations, emails sent very late in the day so the sender can put off my response and therefore their action or even how they contact me knowing perfectly well I have both a mobile number and a landline and when it’s best to use either and on a rare occasion I might be on email during the day and I can tell they are surprised when I respond in a timely manner.
I’m often doing my emails around midnight because that’s when I get all my other chores done and can sit with my iPad and give emails the time they require. So, a time lag is pretty common.
So, here at 51, I’m learning new things all the time about chronic pain. I have a terrible sleeping pattern. If you didn’t know? It’s terrible, I love a good afternoon kip. I try to keep it just to the weekends, but it’s not always a given. It’s not seven days a week, most people would blame my years of working in hospitality. I always thought working in clubs had its own category, but apparently, it’s lumped in with restaurants and cafes.
Then, there’s having a brain injury. Also, messes with your sleep. Then, disability, depression, taking anti-depressants, etc. then the racy Lady Hormones. Must I go on? I mean, I hear rumours about people getting eight hours of sleep a night. I mean, who are they? They must be killed.
But the eating. I didn’t know fitting in three meals a day every day was hard for people with chronic pain. I just thought it was just me. I am not a morning person, so I sleep later. I therefore eat breakfast later. I have a light breakfast then get out and do stuff. I don’t prioritise lunch. I’ll eat lunch late, then I’m full. I skip dinner a lot. Sometimes, I’ll have the motivation for dessert. If that’s ice cream, because that has a separate stomach, right? Like, cows have four stomachs.
So, I know my brain and my body is constantly going between I’m digesting, going into a food coma, and I’m happy, but too full and it’s all a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to change.
Did I mention, after my kip on a Saturday I have my later lunch so much later, people have been known to comment that I lived a rather bohemian lifestyle? Yeah, that happens.
Note: any suggestions of killing or murder is not an actual threat intended to harm. Do not go and kill people that sleep better than I do. Just gently nudge them and remind them they don’t know how good they have it.
Yesterday, I had to decide about whether to bother putting on a bra or not. This is generally half the part of Adulting, bra and shoes means I’m going out. As you well know, yesterday was a Sunday and I don’t do Adulting on Sundays, I didn’t even go out. I’m not talking about Out-Out. I just mean leave my apartment.
As you might have gathered my birthday last October set the tone for both Christmas and New Year. So, I planned a Ladies High Tea.
Lunch thing with my Real Family and that’s my carers. All my carers bring me a little something different. They bring me stories, family, friends, and treats. And I share their stories between each of them. Yet they rarely encounter each other. I share their stories as I am the water fountain in the office tearoom and I’m the holder of the peer support opportunities. So, it was finally a chance to hold a Ladies Lunch.
I even pulled out the Fine Bone China and the French Gourmet Side Plates. We started with the savoury. Homemade sausage rolls, triple cheese croquettes, arancini balls, even cheese and spinach and some other pastry things. The sweets included the ginger Christmas pudding I had yet to get to, the chocolate and orange Christmas pudding, the scones one of the ladies bought to go with the hot jam donut a friend hand delivered before Christmas, with whipped cream. Ginger kisses and the brandy snaps I didn’t get to over Christmas. (These are still uneaten in the fridge) I have been chipping away at the contents of the fridge for weeks and alas, still not getting anywhere.
One lovely lady dug around in my fridge for something, I had to direct her to the crisper. FYI. That’s the section or drawer at the bottom designed for fruits and vegetables, or in my home the containers of things that don’t fit anywhere else. Then when the girls were all departing the mother-load Brownies were still in the crisper. Guess we know what I’ll be sharing out for the next few weeks.
Finally, I should mention my carer in the morning did point out, I didn’t need to bother with the bra since they had all seen it before. Great to be roasted by people that know me the best.
I did wear a coloured T-shirt the girls wouldn’t normally see me in. I bought a few cheap T’s this early and I wouldn’t go past an aqua/teal tee that was everywhere in the men’s section of Big W. I don’t go there often, but it’s where I get my standard black summer pants.
It’s after midnight as I’m tapping this out on my iPad and not long ago, I realised some gifts remain under my tree. A particular carer had been working her other job and it had been too busy to get away. I had suggested I could call in a bomb threat, but we all know I was kidding. There are plenty of treats saved for all the others that could not make it. Note, the gingerbread house one carer delivered before Christmas She said it took five people to make it. It’s going to take more than that to eat it.
So, however you spend your time with family sometimes the people that love, respect and take the time to understand you are not the ones related to you by blood and as a few of my invited guests had not been able to attend I would say, I definitely want to make this a more regular event.
So, as per usual I’ve had a few new carers recently. One has picked up my Friday shift, so I’ve got a new Girl Friday.
We got along instantly like a house on fire. She is close to my age which is rare and good to have some variety for sure. She has a long red plait hanging over her shoulder with petite features making me want to refer to her as Elsa from Frozen and I haven’t even seen it.
All was well, in my first 8.5-hour shift with her when we got on the topic of football. We were doing so well. Our teams were playing each other that night and she’s a Magpie’s supporter, that’s the team mascot for Collingwood. It was nice knowing you.
Over for the last weeks of the season I made several early morning texts to her, the morning after, along the lines of “I’m your face!” When Carlton beat her team. It’s OK, I knew she could take it. The game was on.
I suggested if our teams faced each other on grand final day and her team won I would get a tattoo of a Magpie on my butt! (it would be my first) and tiny. I suggested if the Blues, (yes, the Carlton mascot) won she had to get a Huge Blues tattoo across her upper chest on the left, it’s fine. She laughed. Stating “not a huge one?”
I continued to mention I would get started designing our tattoo’s. Could have been a limited release. Alas, no tattoos were undertaken. That’s the right term.
I’m thinking to rename my Wednesday Pinchy/Stabby day to include Mental Health somehow. Because that is what I’m working on by the appointments I keep every Wednesday and yummy lunch never hurts.
I just had some friendly banter with the Barista on my way past. The owner Rob is looking rather slim lately so I suggested one of these days if I can’t buy any of my favoured options, I could resort to a nice salad with my latte.
Would that be healthy? Or counter-productive?
Turns out Rob the owner has hit the gym. I delivered the Barista a friendly STFU because I can’t go to the gym.
Or I wouldn’t be able to do it justice so it would do my head in.
So, on today’s lunch menu is another Arancini, In the form of a Zucca Arancini with a side salad.
Osteo Remedial/Mio. Chiropractor/Acupuncture. (B.T. Dubs, it’s called Wednesday, commonly referred to as my Punchy/Stabby Day!) Physio. Completely missed lunch 2 or 3 days this week. Mum was down from Monday Night & 2 nights we were up doing ‘Someone else” Job so late I got to sleep around 3am.
Gave mum her early Mother’s Day gift. A cute little teddy bear I hid between her pillow and the doona in the spare bedroom. It has a little button on its Tummy and when you press it a child-like voice says “I love you Mum!” She was very coy but I think she really liked it because that night I thought she would wear out the battery. Totally worth it!
But we got there. Even made a decent frittata this week, haven’t made one in years and visited the local pet shop. The only furry beast in residence was Vigaro, a somewhat friendly young male with black and white fur, some cute black marking on its mouth. The pet shop always has one cat from Maneki.Neko Cat Rescue Neko.org.au. (Check it out)
He loved a good head rub from me and Mum even had a cuddle. This visit came about because it looks like I’m not moving any time soon. Not much around and none of it very nice in my price-range. so, why am I waiting to get my new In-House Mental Health Care Provider?
Well, I could afford the $120 cost of a fully vet-checked fur-child but, not the cost of the food & kitty litter as I returned or gifted every bit I had 6 weeks ago. Meanwhile Vigaro bit my Mum…..Hope he finds a nice home all the same. I have also created the very short Pro’s (versus Con’s) list of not having a cat! I only spent $50 on people food last Friday.
Managed to catch up on some admin today. Even read a comic. (only one this week) in the constant battle to clear my couch which is more like my in-tray. Received some emails from some blogger colleagues this week which was lovely, wondering who is responsible for the T-Birds & Purple Tree’s posts from some time ago (You know who you are!) and when I might see another?
At the age of 40 my mum finally got around to making her second daughter a quilt! My mum is a Mad Quilter. Ok, she says passionate, I say Mad! Same/Same! That was four years ago it’s finally been on my bed for the last 2 nights! Couldn’t have had the quilt on my bed with Jamima……she was a scratcher, when it came to bedding.
Have been watching Homeland and 13 reasons why, the second reminding me of the painful years of High School. Not quite finished, so no spoilers please! Would be a great soundtrack.
Wondering if these Hot off the press updates work for people? I enjoy the routine & that it works out to be current for everyone however I find as life is always busy I make the excuse not to prioritise some time to write down other ideas into actual laid-out posts.
Feel free to comment & provide feedback? Please keep it positive?
It’s not something I’ve been officially diagnosed with and I’m sure other Mental Health related conditions might experience these symptoms, but in my case my mind is always (for want of a better word) “ON”.
Planning, problem solving, writing, scheduling, busy, busy, busy! Bills to pay, rent due, incoming, outgoing. People I want to see, people I have to see, brain training, appointments that keep me mobile. And I’m very lucky I can do all these things, hear me?
BECAUSE THEY KEEP ME INDEPENDENT!
But at the end of the day, I sit on the couch, amongst my ‘In Tray’ and I attempt to catch up on my admin.
Attending to the mail, scheduling when bills are due, when they need to be paid, brain training (OK-pirating) and brain training (word finders, puzzles, list making) and often it’s around 9 pm, I have dinner.
And then I settle into email-mode! I know, ridiculous. And then I have to start trying to turn off the busy brain! And that’s why I like to finish the night with a TV show where I don’t touch a remote or my iPad or my phone or anything.
We interrupt the normal flow of my writing and posts to give you this breaking news……that means I’m tapping on my iPad, paper and pen put aside for speedy delivery.
If you are up to date on my blog and current affairs in Melbourne, Australia being my beloved home.
Last Friday, the 20th of January 2017 saw an incident Melbourne is not known for having. I’m going to use some generalised terms however bear with me. A young man in a Holden Commodore performed burn-outs and donuts in the main intersection of Flinders Street and Swanson Walk in front of Flinders Street Station. He was apparently screaming out obscenities while hanging out the window of his car. While he used terms like ‘Reign down terror!’ His actions were not perceived to be terrorist relayed. The driver was persuaded down Swanson Walk and the Bourke Street Mall. Both precincts known for being busy pedestrian traffic areas.
For those unaware, Melbourne has had the popular Australian Open Tennis, which is huge with tourists and Melbourne in general. We Melbournians love our coffee and our culture. We are happy and friendly people, so what happened next was (for lack of words,) just awful. The driver just drove into and over people. The youngest victim was a 3-month-old baby who was in a pusher(pram) and two people in their 30’s were killed also. Many others were injured, later reports indicated injuries to limbs and some brain injuries. The latest report is that five people were killed including the baby.
Passers-by pulled together to help the injured people until medical assistance could attend.
The driver was eventually stopped by police who shot him in his car, then dragged him from his car that still sported part of the pusher from earlier.
Now, I premise by saying this is likely not normal anywhere and most definitely not Melbourne.
I generally go to the city once a week. And was only made aware this was happening when out getting groceries and ran into an old carer who mentioned her son was in the city and she was concerned about him.
I don’t spend much time on social media, however I checked in on Saturday night. Lots of posts about sending people back where they came from when they cause such incidents and posts about acts of terror.
Clearly very glad I had not been anywhere near the city on Friday however with all the love and respect and support in the world to those who died, suffered injury or emotional trauma for witnessing such atrocities, I’m a little surprised my own family and friends have neglected to reach out and just ‘check‘ I wasn’t anywhere near the city……
And my point is that the silence is deafening and telling, isn’t it?
It’s now late Sunday night. Ok, it’s early Monday morning and I’ve avoided social media today. Sometimes, I like to let the dust settle on these events and rather than get caught up in the early assumptions I like to get the real facts….. There is no point getting caught up in the drama until the media gets all the information and updates correct.
So far, the reports I seem to have seen somewhere indicated he had mental health issues and not a terrorist related event.
Many posts I did see early Sunday morning, indicated the driver had slipped through the cracks in the legal system and had he been remanded for a prior infringement, he may not have been on the streets to cause such chaos. I prefer to imagine the mental health system failed him and everyone else affected on Friday.
Meanwhile, in a suburb in the North I had a conversation with my mum on the phone about the status of the lovely NDIS. In 2016, I was given the funding that is supposed to be the silver bullet to fix all problems and level the playing fields. My funding was rushed through giving me the lowest level of assistance. The first plan is supposedly designed this way…. So I’m not saying I’m the only one to get screwed. Just stating facts.
Last year Stupidlink (sorry, my favourite term for the government agency that handles pensions, etc) did to review my DSP (Disability Support pension) because apparently, I might be job ready?
So, the NDIS has also triggered an overhaul and review of my mum’s carer allowance although it’s not at all what they told us it’s what they were intending.
Now, I have had great carers who cared from the second they walked through the door and I can tell you I think they love me like family not just because they get paid to care and while I’m transitioning to new carers I’m micromanaging and already can tell I would have the same level of stress free care any time soon.
My NDIS funding needs an appeal/review and my mum, my only family member to actively help me has stated she is not going to assist with any paperwork unless she is paid to do so.
It’s the loneliest moment to feel the government is working to isolate me from the only family assistance I receive because, do they think they have my best (can’t think of appropriate word here) in mind. Because everything else points to the government wanting to institutionalize me and take away all my rights and independence.
I don’t mean to minimalist the events of Friday in the city because in that situation people died. I’m not planning to reach for the razors (my home has no razors) or the pills and let’s hope it continues that way…….
Now, please do not adjust your dials while normal transmissions resume.
Peace Out!
Hell onWheels/Life One Handed 