Comedy Season 2026

Published May 4, 2026 by helentastic67

Comedy Season 2026

Comedy season 2026 has not even begun and I’m putting out spot fires in my social life. To be fair, I don’t manage to get through the comedy season and blog about it because I’m too busy coping and enjoying that little bit of joy and laughter also known by others as shits and giggles one hour at a time.

Apparently, once out I make it look easy, but its anything but, in reality it starts late in the previous year when dates start to be announced. I ask friends including carers if they would be interested, if they have preferred days, if they can go, do, stay, all the things. I don’t want to miss out on good tickets so I can see hear, appreciate, enjoy and laugh. And get there and home again in one piece.

I can’t do things at night. If I have things on during the day. I can’t do things during the day if I’m planning to be out at night. I don’t even have a diary for the following year when I start the planning.

I have a few carers that do my bookings. They don’t all happen online, some require calls. I get two tickets for the price of one because I have what’s called a Companion card, because I can’t go unless someone accompanies me.

I went to see the Prodigy in 2025 and a security woman walked up to me and my companion before I got to join the queue and she ushered us past the crowd. She saw that I had disabilities, she asked a few simple questions and she handed us over to the next P.S.O. who asked to check my bag. No, I was not trying to smuggle in alcohol or drugs even. The first P.S.O. had asked if I had my meds in it? I just said Sure. I just have a big bag. I like to buy a band T-shirt to wear as a way to express my interests to the world. Summer is good for that. During winter my look is more “Don’t fucking mess with me!”

Anyway, I digress, the first comedy tickets I booked was Danny Buoy as you may have guessed from a recent post.

The tickets for the event were in Ballarat. Often referred to as The Rat. A friend from my days working at the place only ever mentioned as Voldemort. I have often referred to him as my Gay Silver Fox, on account of all those things. I usually call him by Mr and his surname out of respect as at Voldemort he was my boss. On a rare occasion I’ll hastily say his first name to get his attention quickly and he looks sharply at me. It’s very amusing to us.

My grand plan to get to the Rat. I asked a carer who has a friend put there if she could drive me out there, help me with PC (Personal Care) and drive us home again so I could do all the things and cover her travel. She said, “We’ll work something out!”

To cut a long story short this translates as I got tickets, and a month or so out from the event when trying to lock in a commitment she was heckers busy. And I was left trying to put a band aid on a bullet wound. Trying to find a way out there without doing a tram and a train with a walking stick one-handed and a small suitcase, for a few hours. I had hoped to see Gay Silver Fox’s home. He only buys houses over 100 years old and renovates them. I’ve seen two or the three houses he’s owned. And had been prepared to sleep on his couch, if need be, to make it all work. I had hoped to visit two sisters while out there. My friends I rarely get to see, they are sisters. I had wanted to deliver care packages. Bottles of prepared bolognaise, Portuguese tarts, panettone, Anzac cookies. I just mean, Nona was coming to town and she doesn’t mess around. Look at that, I’m a poet.

Closer to the date, stressed and anxious trying to solve the logistical nightmare of what was to be a nice country adventure to start the comedy season, and a few calls to Gay Silver Fox and he rang on the Wednesday before to ask where we were with the plans. I’d managed to plan to taxi out there, half price taxi would have been pricey however, in for a penny in for a pound! Gotta, make it work and I’d secured my Sunday carer to drive out, do my PC and drive us home again on my funding.

Are you frustrated yet? Do you want to self-harm? Don’t do that, but strap in. At this point I can imagine my Mum asking frustrated why had I bothered? Why did I get tickets out there? I will answer that at the end, but it’s where his shows were booked at the time.

I updated Gay Silver Fox on the master plan and he sadly informed me he could no longer do any or all of the above. He was offered extra responsibility and work at his job and he needed to take it. Because he needs the work going through a messy end to a relationship.

Sometimes, I hate that I can change gears so quickly to help the other person feel better about my disappointment. All around it’s the right thing to do.

In the end, my lovely Sunday carer drove us out there and back the night of, Boss coffees provided by moi and tunes. Efficient and it ended up raining the Sunday morning so would not have been a fun drive for my lovely assistant.

So, sometimes, I wish what the final plan would look like, so I didn’t waste my time with band aids on bullet wounds.

And the angry retort I would have for my mother whom I love would need to be “Because how dare I try to do or have a life of simple pleasures that other people take for granted as so easy? How dare I?”

Sometimes, it is exhausting simply existing with disabilities and trying to have even simple pleasures is not worth the battle, or are they?

P.S. P.S.O. Personal Security Officer.

P.P.S. I will one day explain all things Voldemort but it’s a very big can of worms. Once opened it will be a lot. I’m not anywhere near ready to go there.

Social Media Indentity

Published April 27, 2026 by helentastic67

Social Media Identity

What’s that? I had to start a new social media profile, after ten plus years of having a profile in my name. You don’t say. You know the one.

I had a decent buying/selling rating on the place that was a market also. But alas, it’s all gone. Why? How the hell would I know. All I know is after a few hours on Insta I had found my sweet spot of definitely not real squirrels holding their mouths open at the side making very annoying noises like a child. Me sharing them to previously mentioned social media platform wanted me to sign into my profile using a picture of myself. Not particularly keen to use my actual face for anything I kept swiping as advised by my younger tech support. Apparently, you can only swipe so many times before. What’s that? It thinks you’re a bot for sharing so much AI generated content.

That guy whose initials start with Mark Zuckerberg deserves to be sued. The platform is encouraging AI everywhere and the moment some nuffer over shares this squirrel I get blocked.

And I’m only guessing this is the reason why. I did indeed appeal. It was rejected and there was no reason for why they then shut down my account.

I mean, I don’t love doing selfies, I don’t do filters, who gives a flying tutti fruiti if I wear make-up even. But here’s a recent effort at a comedy gig with one of my lovely assistants. I’m the one concentrating on trying to get us both in the frame. It did hurt and you can see how much I was concentrating on getting it done.

P.S. Shaming someone with their initials like that is a classic 2005 Shanism from my time working at Voldemort. I’ve been meaning to use it for a long time.

Unofficial Support

Published February 23, 2026 by helentastic67

Unofficial Support

In the world of disability there are many terms for things you don’t know until you need to and that generally means you learn the hard way out of necessity. Out of your will to achieve something or your need to survive. You learn who your friends are. You work out who you can rely on.

If you don’t have family or friends who can help you do the most mundane things you might find you have a carer who can feed your cat when you go to your dad’s funeral, or you spend a night in hospital.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned but wait for it. Humble brag, Mika is not food orientated, but she still expects to be fed, every night.

Also, kind neighbours, even after I moved were lovely enough to drop into my new home to feed my fur baby and not expect to be paid to do so. That is officially an informal support.

When I moved late last year, yes, still so much trauma around that. The moving day left me with all my tech, TV, AMP, CD carousel, drying racks, lamps, mirrors, candlesticks. So much I valued and needed to be moved and every day I was reaching out to busy people to see what they could help me with.

Now, I’ve got friends, I love and respect their time, I have later discussed my need at that time and that they were not friends I felt should need to help me for things like that.

You would be surprised when you really need help how few of the people you know are not free and I would not have expected people to drop anything to assist me, so I started asking carers who I had no funding to book them and bit by bit over the last week I had friends come from two hours away who helped when they had barely slept going through a shitty break up. Who came and helped for literally me buying them lunch. Fuel to get them through.

A carer who literally treats me like family assisted me with a few car trips and when I tried to sneak some cash into her hand, she vehemently told me that “Anybody that took money from me, shouldn’t!”

OK, fuck it. It’s now almost 1am, better go to bed.

My Thoughts

Published January 19, 2026 by helentastic67

My Thoughts

Despite the fifteen or so blog posts I’ve written in my Drafts folder in my email account mostly in some stages of just ideas I started with when I was too busy to sit & complete the train of thought, a few including up to 10 blog posts I wanted to finish the train of thought before edits completed by a carer and sending, so don’t be surprised when you can’t keep track of my thought process? Keep reading it will all make sense in the end.

2025 has been hectic and as it draws to a close, I’ll give you this.

Sometimes, the littlest, weird thing I may do the right person is curious enough to ask. And they are usually my carers who are here. I have a system of folding my tea towels in a particular way so the edges are all facing out, you can see the different colours and patterns of each and the edges are at the back of the pile, so the messy edges are hidden. I picked up this habit working in a homewares store back in my twenties. I bought a good selection back then and only about ten years ago started to restock after retiring those old tea towels. I would go into the city monthly about ten years ago to see my shrink and if I was early, I’d stop at a particular well-placed linen retailer on my way to the Royal Arcade and buy a few and eventually I had to stop. That is how you successfully build a collection.

Sometimes, the right carer goes to put the freshly washed and folded tea towels away and after noticing the pile is not to our standards, she will offer to take them out and neaten them. Stating, she now does hers the same way.

All Things Current and the Sh*t Time of Year

Published December 22, 2025 by helentastic67

All Things Current and the Shit Time of Year

So, you may have noticed I don’t comment often on current news stories or politics on this forum. I generally ignore the news and media on weekends and so good to let the dust settle on horrific stories that are commented on around the world. I don’t appreciate the unnecessary commentary that feeds hate or any one person’s political agenda. It is to say the horrible shooting that marred Sydney’s Bondi Beach over a week ago was the worst terrorist event in Australia ever ending not only fifteen people’s lives but injuring many others. It was perpetrated by two individuals that subscribe to a version of their beliefs not shared by all that hold the same faith. The victims were being Jewish and the two perpetrators being of the Muslim faith that had been radicalized.

I have known and befriended people of both faiths in my time on this earth and while my beliefs are not the same as theirs, I just wish we could all put our differences aside and learn to get along without the need for bloodshed. There is never a need.

I can count one less than one hand how many times there has been a mass shooting in my lifetime. We don’t have gun violence in this country. We are not prepared for it to happen ever again.

Why can’t people agree to disagree and learn to get along? Don’t answer that. I know it’s a simplistic view on it, but it’s not rocket science.

It’s generally a shit time of year in my home as I don’t love Christmas. People often forget it’s not a super fun and exciting time for everybody. This year I’m preferring to spend the day home alone rather than take up the one offer I have received that was to join some friends who were participating in a gathering at their church. To which I answered, “You will do fucking anything to get me to your church!” Thankfully, she laughed as much as I appreciated the offer. I’m planning to go solo at home with the fur-kids. Make turkey or ham sandwiches and roast a few things in my oven. There will definitely be a special version of French toast for breakfast and a weird creation of trifle using no homemade ingredients and it will be shared to whoever is here to partake until all portions are gone. I even bought myself a bottle of Bailey’s even if I need to put a note in my diary once a month to have a nip to remind myself, I’d got to be had. I didn’t say I never drink I always say I barely drink. That’s what that looks like.

While most have holidays, catch up with family and friends and generally take it easy I will have a staycation at home and attempt to do things I never get to. I will finally sort my oven tray cupboard and get the last few off my bench. I don’t know when I last had a holiday. So, just remember this time of year is not as much fun for everybody as you might imagine or hope yours will be?

It’s also with great sadness I must report the recent passing of another friend who I’d known since primary school. She had a rare condition called F.O.P. Which does not stand for Fairly Odd Parents as your first google search might yield? But here’s one I’ve prepared for you earlier.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibrodysplasia_ossificans_progressiva

Try saying that five times fast. Try just saying it once. So, it is with great sadness we will no longer see Lyn Smiths brightly dyed hair in my media feed or her posts about her beloved cat her snuggly sleeping companion, but her regular visits to hospitals she reminded us she was still here. Still doing her best but here. Now, I have to start 2026 with a funeral. Thought she would outlive us all.

Just remember, I often write the right thing at the wrong time or the wrong thing at the right time.

Everybody, enjoy the holiday season, just as long as you eat lots drink liberally, and try to do a little less damage to those who don’t deserve it.

And to finish on a lighter note.

With the passing of the great cartoonist Leunig late last year, I’ve been asking what calendar would grace my bathroom door considering a Hot firemen calendar so I could tease my carers each month. You are aware I’ve met a few firemen needing to evacuate the apartment complex I’ve lived in in recent years and having been through the MFB training centre when I was still working and none of them looked like the men in the calendar. False advertising much.

Just learnt there is a Leunig calendar for 2026. It’s sold out, Hot firemen then? Pity the zoo sent me a calendar.

Stay safe!

Project Managing

Published December 7, 2025 by helentastic67

Project Managing

Lately, I’ve cut back on my appointments like physio, hence the lack of motivation or time to blog. I am not looking forward to the grumpy chastising from my acupuncturist who I should be seeing weekly as he is free. He is a GP and covered by Medicare so I really should be getting my ass there. And I think I haven’t been since April or earlier, but while I’ve been skipping my physio/neurophysiology and a few others, my pain increases as does the discomfort. It’s all been because they are using my funding to do report writing. Yes, you heard correctly. I’ve had to prioritise reports over pain management because I’m going to review again with the NDIA! Because I’m running out of funds.

I’m currently on my third Support Coordinator, who is like a case manager. Except, mine has run out of funds to do her job. I’ve been nudging with emails most of this year for her to get reports to people that are doing things for me anyway. So, I think every year I do more and more of that role. I’ve finally got a new Gun of an OT.

I’m hoping now, just celebrating the one-year anniversary of being in my forever home, that I can have a mobility scooter and somewhere safe and secure to keep it and charge it. And the NDIS funding in which to make that all happen and finally, not me to project manage all of that to make it happen. Even getting the Owner Corp and the board of residents, on board to allow these things to happen is a hair-pulling exercise as my existing shed is too tall and gets in the way of the sprinkler system.

I think the OC is largely against my installing a shed because it might set a precedent for others, also wanting to put up sheds. That whole “but she’s got a shed mentality…?”

In the last apartment complex the OC asked what I was storing in my shed. I didn’t immediately take their interest or concern seriously. I answered with my usual wit and humour “I’m not making Ice in there!” Breaking Bad made it seem like a good starting point to run successful manufacturing enterprise in a caravan in the desert. People these days make ice in rental properties which means they are no longer safe to live in. My real answer later was “My mobility scooter, gardening supplies and sometimes my excess tinned tomatoes and passata and panettone” I offered to use the light from my scooter to help better see what was really in my shed and I provided them with photos. It was exactly as my last statement and they dropped the issue.

The Theft

Published November 24, 2025 by helentastic67

The Theft

Throughout the course of the week as I politely told friends about the theft of Hellonwheels, one friend I did not expect uttered the C-Bomb. You know the one, I’ll never utter the word in print even in this kind of context, but I will refer to it as rhymes with punt or UNT. When said friend uttered this word I cringed and shook my head. She asked if I was offended? I told her no but surprised she uttered the word out loud.

A gay male friend a little younger than me once said “It’s OK when you see your friend across the road and you yell out to them: Punt!” And all I could think was we have very different friends. I have a few friends who do use that word and I appreciate it in the context that it is used and allow it, but it’s not a word I use.

I did do a police report over the phone that day and eventually received an email stating I could do a Victims of Crime Application. Because I’ve all the time in the world for that. I have been advised I’m not likely to have it recovered.

So, by the end of the Tuesday I was a little calmer as I was consoling myself by suggesting there was a fuckwit out there walking around on two broken legs. They just didn’t know it yet.

I had at first wondered why someone would steal a mobility scooter. Getaway vehicle? Spare parts? Just what the actual fuck!

The problem if not obvious is the layers and complexity to solving this problem is so big. People would have no idea how hard it is.

I think there’s a whole bigger conversation about the word that rhymes with punt that is yet to happen. But I feel women should reclaim that word because it’s ours and we should reclaim it. If men think they can use that word because they came out of one. Yes, I’ve heard that line. No buddy! That’s not how that works.

Another carer and I were discussing while in her car one day that twenty years ago when I first moved to this area my voting enrolment district was called Batman. How cool is that? As well, in more recent years it was changed to Cooper. Boo! Because my carer stated bluntly, Batman was a punt. Which means he was a white early settler in this area who killed the original landowners in this area. So, punt indeed. Accurate.

Are You OK

Published October 12, 2025 by helentastic67

Are You OK

I always ask people how they are? I think it’s a good habit to have. My recent adventure to the market produced this response. They said they were good that day but on the weekend the market had featured an Italian theme. I had seen a mention in an email somewhere, they said it had been the same four songs on repeat all day.

Honestly, this is the jam in a day and why you ask people. I suggested the older Italians would die off one day and he just needed to outlive them. He picked up a serrated edged knife and using a sawing motion ran it across his wrist. I confess, I hadn’t seen it the first time he had done it. I then demonstrated how to indicate blowing one’s brains out. Which he appreciated.

Amusing still, this encounter proceeded the “I love you too” moment. Took a dark turn, didn’t it? This is the benefits of having regular places I go and people I see out in my community.

This post I’m not advocating or encouraging the use or self-harm. If you have mental health issues, please seek help from a trained professional.

The Last Weekend in September

Published September 29, 2025 by helentastic67

The Last Weekend in September

Once again, it’s that time of year when this weekend just passed, Australians gathered to yell at their televisions or went to an oval to yell at the outcome of two leading teams pitted one against another. Once a year I try to do a sporty post for people that way inclined. Don’t know if anybody here is bothered? But Hellonwheels don’t do sport. Not really interested.

When I was young, I was dragged to Little Aths, short for Little Athletics in my hometown to run sprints and other sporty things. I was pretty good at running and even high jump. I had my own technique of running hell for leather at the matt and at the last second throwing myself headfirst over the bar landing on the back of my neck in a roll. Alas, at some point my interest or skill waned. Not sure which but being dragged to this torture ceased.

Meanwhile, I’ve stated before my interest in the AFL is rather low. The grand final was this Saturday just gone. My team who shall remain nameless has not won a grand final since the mid-90’s. Shame! Shame! Just disappointing.

Alas, my interest to sit through a game even on TV is zero and the end of the season I want my team to not be on the bottom. Collingwood not to be on the top and the cup to stay in Victoria. Because I’m old school and am loyal to a time when all the teams existed in Victoria from the days of it being called the VFL.

You can get some history here…….https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victorian_Football_League

A few years ago, a new favourite carer started on my usual Friday shift. It was halfway through the day, we realised our teams were to face-off that night. Causing me to state “That’s it! We can’t be friends no more” and we have roasted each other about it ever since.

So, repeating.

1) Carlton cannot be on the bottom.

2) Collingwood cannot be on the top.

3) And the Cup stays in Victoria with the exception of rule Number 1.

And for the last two years the Cup has ended up out of state.

Since having a new Pies friend Pies is the team mascot for Collingwood. I’ve occasionally sent the text to previously mentioned carer now friend. “Go Pies!” And have been rewarded with a row of these “🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕” Followed by an equally succinct row of these.”😭😭😭😭😭😭”

You can do your own research. It’s a serious game the only safety gear being a mouthguard.

One of my carers reports there’s a bar on Chapel Street that won’t serve a particular drink on account of a certain football team that frequent that location and those boys don’t mix well fuelled by Long Island Iced Tea.

What? You get everything here at hellonwheels.

I also revisited a childhood favourite which I haven’t revisited for about 10 years as it was not as good as I remember and that was a lunch of what my older sister fondly called “Little Boy’s!” being the classic footy franks or saveloys. Very inappropriate nickname but amusing. Good in little bread rolls with sauce, I guess it’s the same as hotdogs.

What can I say? In Australia this is how we do it. You’re welcome.

Dear Channel 10

Published August 18, 2025 by helentastic67

Dear Channel 10

You fucked up! Not here to make friends just influence people.

A few months ago, people started reporting my favourite news program to be shit-canned. I thought there was time, not that I imagined I could influence some kind of reprieve. But only as a week later a deadline was announced and it was a foregone conclusion.

My favourite news program would include actual news, comedians and even musicians. So much wrapped up into an hour six days a week. I found if I was ill informed on a particular topic or just oblivious or naive it was explained in bite sized pieces so I could understand. I understood why there was a stampede at the Wall of Mecca back in 1015.

I know, what? There was a stampede where people were crushed and it wasn’t at some music concert or festival. But interesting and questionable how these happen in today’s modern times?

The most informed and completely unlike me individual host being Waleed Ali, someone I quote daily. He was often given the tough job to report like why there is another mass shooting in America. (he will start with how much he hates it) Because mass shootings generally don’t occur in Australia, we just can’t get our heads around why and how this can happen again and again and over again. Just how the fuck it keeps happening?

Have I mentioned we don’t have guns in Australia? Well, not like other countries at least. We have had some machete and knife incidents we are not well pleased with. You can search for Waleed Ali’s social media presence, but I don’t believe he has one. I didn’t check because it is well mentioned on the show he has zero interest in an online persona.

I believe he is part of a podcast which is something I don’t do. But in short, He is from Melbourne, Australia with Egyptian heritage. He was raised on Vegemite and the locally produced music program “Countdown” as I was.

He is actually younger than I am, by six years. I didn’t stalk; I just asked Google. Oh, he’s Muslim, which I am not. But in short, he’s a TV personality, Lawyer and sometime lecturer. I’ve met students he has taught. He’s married and has children. He’s a disability advocate and most importantly is credited by me daily for the line – “Bandaid on a bullet wound!” Because it’s often the best way to describe life with disabilities and how others try to shorthand a fix for a problem I must then revisit over and over again.

Anyway, way, back to how royally Channel 10 fucked up! Should I have premised this post with a swear warning? Or set myself a swear limit? As if!

I think Channel 10 executives were so trying to get the Millennial audience they lost the Gen X and older audience.

I mean, the Millennials as far as I can tell won’t take a job unless they get paid $100 grand a year and they holiday like retiree’s and spend their cash on smashed avo. But complain they can’t afford a mortgage or cover their HECS debt. They are not prioritising being sat home to watch the news at night they are out for dinner at expensive restaurants.

Had not intended to throw all millennials under the bus however, I spent my youth working and studying in the only course that exists where I wouldn’t get a job because I was a woman, a straight woman, without a car or a driver’s license. Ah, I am studying Visual merchandising. Because I didn’t get into what I wanted to study but I needed life to start in Melbourne, so I jumped. Had to get the hell outta Dodge.

FYI, Window dressing jobs at the big department stores were only employing older gay men! or when management was away, they might employ a female. I couldn’t do freelance without an ability to get around. (no car or driver’s license) And my photos didn’t turn out so no folio to find work.

I was also in my twenties in the 90’s when there was a recession. You grabbed any work you could find and you had to hustle. Hence, my commitment to Hospo and keeping myself busy.

Side Bar. I only learnt a few years ago when I was working in the club scene in my twenties I was working in Hospo. Which is short for Hospitality. I will circle back to this another day indeed.

Also, from what I can tell the Millennial generation is getting all their news from social media the algorithm’s giving them all the things they are interested and only that. It must be nice to have a belief system not based on history and legacy.

But going back to the stupidity of Channel 10 Exec’s? Yes, they bragged there would be a super awesome replacement. Paraphrasing somewhat. My bad, it wasn’t. I’ve watched it twice. It was dry. Bland and very boring. If I wanted that I could watch other channels. So, this now is to be replaced with a streamlined version of the 16+ year long program called the Project. When that will happen is anybody’s guess?